Tag: no contact

What Narcissists Do to Make You Break No Contact and What You Must Do to Keep It

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Though No Contact is the time to honor your space by leaving out the narcissist in your life, it is also the moment where they ramp up their efforts to hook you back in.

What narcs do to make you break No Contact:

  1.  Narcissists know enough information about you to use these against you.
  2.  Narcissists can use flattery.
  3. Narcissists could appeal to your guilt
  4. Narcissists could appeal to your need for romance
  5. They could appeal to your hope for a better life with him or that he will finally change.
  6. They could even take advantage of your inability to let go.
  7. They could also make you believe that your dreams can now finally come true.
  8. They could even “apologize” and express pseudo-“regret” or pseudo-“remorse.”
  9. They could play the pity card and claim they feel sick or they could use a personal tragedy to get you to offer comfort or sympathy
  10. They could use other people (proxies/third parties) to get a message through you

What you must remember and be always aware of:

 

1. All of the above are simply tactics, maneuvers and strategies to get you to make contact.

 

2. If your narcissist knows you are easily swayed by positive efforts, he will use these and push all your feel-good buttons.

 

3. A narcissist’s objective is to make you react. That is all.

 

4. All a narcissist needs is your attention – it is one of the initial supplies narcissists mine once they sense you are detaching from him.

 

5. Narcissists want to keep in contact with you not because they love you, it’s because they want control over you.

They want to use you. They don’t see you as a human being. You are their fix.

It is not about you being with them and finally cared for /attended to or “loved,” you are only there to do their bidding.

 

6. If they sense you are detaching and that you are taking steps to be on your own – independent from him – he will do all he could to keep you entangled and still dependent.

 

7. Narcissists could use intimidation and threats.  These include threats to destroy your life, credibility or future via statements such as: “No man could ever find you worthy,” “No man would love you as much as I love you,” etc.

 

8. Narcissists could also feign sincerity, express simulated remorse or pseudo-admit accountability. They only do so when, according to Mel Tonia Evans, `they have hit rock bottom.’

Even if they have nothing to lose, their “apology” is never really an admission of accountability, guilt or remorse. It is only a ploy, a bluff to make you believe they are sorry or remorseful – but they never are.

This becomes obvious since their focus is on why they deserve to be forgiven.

Their focus is on themselves saying “sorry” and convincing you why they must receive your forgiveness, NOT on what they specifically did which they should be sorry for.

Their priority is themselves and not on you whom they have hurt. Plus, you are expected to accept their apology since, in their minds, they have now done the “right” thing.

“For some people, their sorry might be tailored to be personal– it depends on the narcissist and their victim.

Some apologies may offer specifics– even many specifics– but it will still generally lack any depth– you will feel YOUR emotions, you will not feel THEIR emotions.

It will come across as superficial when you factor out your own emotional involvement.

Its tone will also generally be “me-centric”, rather than being about the person being apologized to or from their perspective, because narcissists have difficulty taking on the perspective of someone who is not them.

It will usually not involve an acceptance of real wrongs committed, and any personal responsibility will be self-centered and usually pretty superficial.

They’ll use words that appeal to your emotions to mask the superficial tone.

They make up for what’s missing with excessive or overly flowery language.

It’ll read more like a greeting card apology than something a real person would say when they mean it.

Apologies should demonstrate humility, shame (and guilt) if it’s genuine, it shouldn’t demonstrate desperation or poetry.”

Keith Dunnigan

 

“The vital points truly are it is only a pathological self that can operate in conscienceless ways with no ability to be remorseful and accountable.

Normal people can slip but if they do they take responsibility and have empathy for the damage their behaviour has caused, and they rebuild relationships rather than continuously destroying them.

Not later, as in days, weeks, months or years, and healthy people do not need to have it pointed out or ‘shown’ – they have enough inner resources to ‘know’ they have done the wrong thing, rather than twist it around to be denied, or projected as someone else’s fault.

The narcissistic level of accountability for their behaviour (if they ever finally do it) is also tainted with pathological behaviour. The ‘sorries’ are always followed by a ‘but’ which is generally pointing out your flaws, or an excuse, justification or some form of disowning the accountability.

The truth is narcs because of their disordered minds generally don’t think they have done anything wrong, because they cant access peripheral, they just don’t have the resources to not make it all about themself…”

Melanie Tonia Evans

 

9 The objective of the narcissist is to confuse or – as I would describe it – lay an egg or time bomb in your head hoping that once it hatches or explodes, you will come running back to him for help / support / a hug / a shoulder to cry on / or demand justice from him / accountability / fairness.

 

10 He will use anything and everything in his arsenal to hook you back in.

 

What you must do:

1 No matter what happens, DO NOT make contact

Months after I began No Contact, my ex managed to communicate to a common friend that `It was me he really loved and all I had to do was say yes to (marrying him) and things will change’ – this was despite the fact that my narc-ex was going to be married in a few months.

I did not make contact.

After some months, it was my mother who told me that my ex sent her a message on Yahoo chat where he explained he was marrying someone else because I refused to marry him.

I did not make contact.

After a few more months, he sent me a birthday greeting through email wishing me `God bless’ and that ‘all my dreams come true’ (with a subtly added jibe), “though they may sometimes seem lofty.”

I still did not make contact.

After years of not hearing from him as I have blocked him from my email accounts, my mother received an email from him on Christmas day detailing a personal tragedy in his life that prompted a general `apology’ for “everything he did or didn’t do.”

I still did not make contact.

Then a few days later on New Year’s Eve, I received a text message from my Insurance agent – whom my ex also knew. It was a forwarded message from my narc-ex asking my insurance agent to “Say hi” to me in his behalf.

I STILL DID NOT MAKE CONTACT.

DO NOT answer his calls.

DO NOT respond to his text messages.

DO NOT respond to his emails.

BLOCK his email, his phone number, etc.

BLOCK him from your life.

 

2  Remember: He doesn’t love you. He only wants to extract supply from you.

If you think his apology is sincere; if you think his claims that he will change is real and that you actually see positive changes in him, know that this is short-lived. This “change” only lasts until he knows you’re hooked. Once you are hooked, expect him to return back to his rage-filled, abusive, manipulative, controlling self.

I have made numerous failed attempts to establish NO CONTACT during the years of my relationship with my narc-ex. Always, I’d be taken in by his constant calls, his pleadings, his efforts to make me feel better, his apologies. Always, I’d forgive him. I’d always believed he’d change. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When I broke up with him because of his being physically abusive, he promised he would never physically hurt me again. And he never did.

However, it was later on when I realized that his being abusive morphed into something I wasn’t able to detect as there were no longer physical bruises.

What I did feel was constant low-level anxiety, a feeling of constant worry and guilt.

I suffered from obsessive ruminating thoughts, I had difficulty sleeping, my body was in pain, I was overweight, I felt constantly weak, fatigued and run-down, I was always short of breath.

It turns out, he has been lying; he has been emotionally, mentally, psychologically manipulating/abusing me and telling lies about me to others the same way he has been telling lies to me about others.

I decided to no longer be his supply, regardless of how saccharine sweet and seemingly sincere his efforts are to “make it work.”

 

3  Know that he is not your knight in shining armor

No Contact is specially difficult during times when you feel emotionally vulnerable that you can’t help but think of him and the good things he did for you.

Be aware that this is you missing his FICTIONAL side.  This is you craving for a relationship or love from a make-believe character.

The least he could do is give you pseudolove as well as pseudorescue you from the same predicament he put you in, but he only does this so he can put you back in the same merry-go-round of pain.

Do not allow yourself to be sucked in.

He is not your knight in shining armor.

He is not your rescuer.

He is the reason why you feel like hell.

He cannot solve the problems he himself caused. He could only add on more problems so you can temporarily forget the previous ones he made.

Once you make contact, your hurt and pain would multiply ten-fold.  In my experience, my narc-ex was never accountable for the hurts he did or the lies he dished out when we were together so it was logically impossible for him to ever be accountable. It was therefore healthier for me to do No Contact.

 

4  Write it down / Talk it out / Go to forums

It is easy to doubt yourself during No Contact.  There may be times you’d wonder if everything was all in your head.

You might also consider saving the relationship or meet up with your narcissist or just say `hi’ for `old time’s sake.’

If you find yourself entertaining these thoughts, write them down.

Journal them. Write down all your experiences with your narcissist.

Once you do, you will usually see patterns emerge which you weren’t aware of. You could even see how he has been pushing your buttons. You could even realize your own patterns and how you allowed yourself to enmesh in his web of poison.

Writing these down helps you organize any jumbled thoughts you have or at least purge them out from your system.

Start a Gratitude Notebook. List down the little or big things you are thankful for each day. Doing this helps center your attention to details you find positively meaningful. It also keeps your energy up and makes you look at the brighter side of life.

Start a Gratitude Notebook the first day, the first instance you do No Contact. It keeps you focused on maintaining No Contact and in healing your self.

It is also best to talk out your experiences with someone who understands and is non-judgmental of what you have gone through.

Go to forums and share your experience. Doing so helps you purge out your feelings while also learning from other people’s experience.

If there is no one you feel you could talk to, go to NPD forums. There you will see similar experiences of others. You can also learn from them as well as share your own story. A few of the forums you can go to are listed below.

http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/all-about-him

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/

https://www.facebook.com/MelanieToniaEvans?__req=f

The important thing is for you to have space that allows you to freely express yourself amongst people who understand and authentically empathize with you.

 

5   Focus on your healing

Continuing to do No Contact is effortlessly possible if this is complemented with tools to support your healing and recovery.

According to Melanie Tonia Evans, it is so important as soon as possible to work on yourself emotionally – vibrationally so that you don’t feed fear, outrage and distress – which makes the onslaughts even more extreme.

Truly when we do become the vibrational inner creator of solidness, peace and detachment it is so interesting to see how powerless narcs become to affect or damage our life.”

 

Cleaning and clearing your self from the emotional muck of being used / abused / lied to / manipulated, is important.

This is the value of No Contact. It gives you breathing room to evolve.

It also removes any poison in your system. No Contact is the perfect time to empty yourself out and take in the new you.

Focusing on your healing and recovery is one of the critical benefits of No Contact. Do not take this for granted.

Act on these critical musts so you can avoid a narcissist’s poisonous influence.

No Contact is one small step to keep your Self safe, it is also a giant leap towards loving your Self and experiencing authentic freedom and empowerment.

 

This poem sums up the beauty of No Contact.

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do

it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

 She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

 She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

 She didn’t call the prayer line.

 She didn’t utter one word.

 She just let go.

 No one was around when it happened.

 There was no applause or congratulations.

 No one thanked her or praised her.

 No one noticed a thing.

 Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

 There was no effort.

 There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

 In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone

forevermore…

–   Ernest Holmes (or Rev. Safire Rose, no one seems to know which)

From Tosha Silver’s Facebook page

 

Photo Credit: Peddhapati via Photopin cc

 

The beauty and power of No Contact

No Contact is an important first step to get your power back. It also puts your attention back on you and not on the narcissist.

It puts your attention back on your needs and what you can do to heal, recover and better yourself – for your own sake.

Admittedly, doing NO CONTACT is extremely difficult.

In my experience, I found the process distressing specially during the early days, weeks and months I detached from my ex. During that time, my need for him to be accountable was strong.

I also felt an emotional pull towards him which I interpreted many times as “love” when all it ever was was my addiction towards the relationship.

Though I already stopped seeing him and no longer answered his calls, texts or emails, the compulsion to get in touch with him was still strong.

Knowledge about NPD and Narcissistic Supply gave me strength to continually do No Contact. This knowledge made me aware that once I start to communicate with him, I am giving him the permission to hurt me again / suck me back into his web of deceit and manipulate me to go back to him.

Once I made contact, I knew I’d be empowering him and disempowering myself.

 

The logic behind No Contact

No Contact cuts ties and any form of communication you have with a narcissist. Doing so helps clear the space enough so you can breathe and think on your own.

 

No Contact is YOU telling your Self:

You can heal, you can live, you can move on, you can start loving your Self right now. No one’s stopping you. You only have to allow yourself to love you.

 

What No Contact means

No Contact is also the best message you can give the narcissist without ever sending him one.  No Contact is the best (non-)revenge

The main benefits of No Contact are two-fold: it empowers you to save yourself and it disempowers any hold a narcissist has on you.

 

The following are the steps I did to firmly establish NO CONTACT:

I stopped answering his texts despite his constant messages that I respond to him `just so he knows I’m alright.’

I stopped answering his calls despite him leaving messages to my young nieces and nephews saying, “Take good care of your aunt.”

I blocked him in Yahoo chat, Gmail and all other social networking sites I was in.

I blocked and deleted all comments he would leave on my blog.

I literally made myself unavailable to him.

 

Truthfully, there are difficulties when doing No Contact.  The following are a few that I experienced:

1         I felt tremendous angst and anxiety. It was at this time that every emotion and resentment came up. I was angry at my ex for stringing me along, for abusing me, for lying to me. I was also angry towards my self for allowing him to do all these to me.

 

2 I had a tremendous need for justice, need for closure, need for fairness, need for him to be accountable.

 

3  I also, ironically, missed my narcissist ex.

 

 

But these difficulties are minor compared to the further benefits I experienced with doing No Contact:

1  No New Pain

No Contact saved me from experiencing further pain, further hurt, further betrayal.

Though keeping in touch with my ex would briefly solve my feelings of loneliness and sadness as he could have made me believe that `Everything is going to be alright now;’ `Things are going to change now’ or he could have blamed me / denied that he has NPD / denied that he has ever lied, the simple truth is that once I contact him again,  the pain I felt would multiply ten-fold. Plus, the harrowing effects of making contact with him would last longer than the temporary feeling of pseudo-enjoyment.

I didn’t want to be fooled again the way I have been fooled – and allowed myself to be fooled – for more than a decade wherein I tried No Contact many times yet I would always break it and go back to him.

Being firm with No Contact stopped me from experiencing any NEW pain.

Though truthfully, there was still pain. These were old pains I previously denied.

No Contact is life-saving but it is also the time where all the hurt, lies, abuse I experienced came up and poured out that I felt I was going to die – but remarkably, I didn’t! I had to feel all of these to be able to release them.

No Contact helped me be with the most important person in the world – my Self. It also made me realize that the most important person I must spend time with is my Self. I needed to console myself, heal myself, make myself feel and be better – as no other person in the world ever could.

 

2 Clear Head and a Clear Heart

The freedom brought by No Contact helped clear away my fuzzy logic and confusion. It also made the facts more straight-forward and obvious.

Seen in a more objective light, the absence of my narc-ex’s manipulations and put-on charm helped me further see that my seeming longing for him to change or for us to get back together were actually me “missing” the fictional part of him – his pseudo-nice and charming side.

Truthfully, during No Contact, I also missed hoping and wishing that he’d change or that the relationship could be fixed.

There were even times I thought the relationship could still be repaired if only I tried hard enough. It was devastating yet freeing to finally understand that I have been deluding myself all along.

The truth is that he will never change – a fact that was sincerely heartbreaking yet it  was also a freeing. Knowing this helped me finally accept the fact that a pseudolove relationship cannot be fixed. I just wanted to believe it would.

 

3 Helping my Self

No Contact helped put my attention back to my Self. Not communicating with my narcissist-ex helped me focus on what I needed to do for my betterment.

No longer was I thinking of what I must do to make him happy or to make him love me. My attention now is on what I must do to make myself happy and how to love my Self.

 

4 Loving my Self

The first step to authentically love my Self was to honor my body, my heart, my mind, my space, my life. In order to do all these, I must be aware of any negative thoughts, actions or utterances I receive from others specially from my narcissist-ex and consciously decide to no longer accept and participate in these.

I similarly had to be aware of any negative thoughts, actions or utterances I direct at my Self and be conscious of instances where I am unkind to my Self.

The process of loving my Self started when I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself “I’m sorry” and “I love you.”

No Contact gave me the opportunity to see myself through my eyes – not from how my narc-ex sees me but from how I see me.

I began to value myself from what I value and not from what my narc-ex values. I was able to see, hear, touch, feel my Self from my perspective.

Finally, how I thought about myself came from MY thoughts. It didn’t come from what I think my narc-ex thinks, it is not according to what my narc-ex likes or doesn’t like. I was able to appreciate myself from MY standards, not from his or others’ standards.

No Contact gave me the golden opportunity to Love My Self fully for no reason other than I just do.

 

5 Healing my Self

No longer must I suffer from obsessive / compulsive / ruminating thoughts. No longer should I experience pain (physical and emotional). No longer should I feel anxious / insecure / afraid.

No Contact started me on the road to recovery and healing. I needed to clear the space to make this possible. I had to decide to make this possible, I had to prioritize my self – the way I should have long before.

I couldn’t have gone through healing if my narcissist ex was still present in my life as my attention would be on him and not on my Self. He would also do what is necessary to keep me hooked onto him.

No Contact is the first step I needed to reconnect with my body, my voice, my heart.

“When I was a volunteer mute and began to speak again, I realized I had left my voice, my voice had not left me.” Maya Angelou

 

6  No Contact means I am standing up for myself.

No Contact helped me realize that my narcissist-ex has been projecting his fears and insecurities onto me in order to make me similarly fearful and insecure. His objective was for me to believe in everything he says – and not believe in my Self.

 

7  He has no power over me

By NOT sending my narcissist-ex any message, I am sending him the most important message of all: He has no power over me.

No Contact firmly established my sense of self-worth. It is also the basic foundation with which to build a future free from sadness and heartbreak.

No Contact also sent the following messages to my narc-ex:

“Nothing you say or do could make me go back to you.”

“I could live without you.”

“I am independent of you.”

“I am my own person.”

“You are not important in my life.”

“For once, I am important in MY life!”

When narcissists realize they are being ignored and once they know they no longer have power over what you think / feel / do, they experience the greatest injury of all – narcissistic injury.

Nothing hurts a narcissist more than knowing he no longer exists in someone’s life.

 

“The narcissist says, “I exist.”  A narcissistic injury is you showing him that he does not exist in your life.  Kicking him in the teeth and telling him he is a jerk is not a narcisstic injury– because he must therefore exist. 

Let’s say I’m a narcissist, and you send me a 10 page letter explaining why I suck, I’m a jerk, I’m an idiot; you attack my credibility, my intelligence; and you even provide evidence for all of this, college transcripts, records from the Peters Institute, you criticize my penis size, using affidavits from past and future girlfriends– all of this hurts me, but it is not a narcissistic injury.  

A narcissistic injury would be this: I expect you to write such a letter, and you don’t bother. 

This is most easily seen in the failing marriage of a narcissist. 

The reason it’s important is because the reaction of the narcissist to either “insult” is different.  In the first example, he will be sad and hurt, but he will yell back, insult you, or cry and beg forgiveness or mercy–he will respond– maintain the relationship.   He’ll say and do outrageous things that he knows will cause you to respond again, to prolong your connections, even if they cause him misery.  He doesn’t care that it makes you and him miserable– he cares only that there is a you and him.

 

“He is not the main character in the movie. She has her own movie and he’s not even in it. That’s a narcissistic injury. That is the worst calamity that can befall the narcissist.”

 

 

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