Sam Vaknin, a self-confessed narcissist and author; publisher of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited 2001, explains Narcissistic Supply:
“The narcissist…is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic. He is insatiable..
This currency is what I call Narcissistic Supply.
When I learned all about Narcissistic Supply, I stopped all forms of communication with my narc-ex.
I also finally realized the reason for my narc-ex’s panicky reaction when he thinks he’s losing his connection with me was not because he loved me or was authentically worried about my welfare – it was because I was his fix.
He was pursuing me because he was afraid to lose his stockpile. To him, I was his stash.
I was not a person to him. He never saw me as a person with human concerns. He only saw me as a provider and giver of his wants. He only saw me as someone he could mine.
I was there to make him feel NOT like a bottomless empty pit and he kept coming back for what I can give him, not for who I am.
I was not a person to him. In his mind, I was a thing to be used, expended, abused and which he could extract any and all supply from.
A relationship dynamic with a narcissist involves the tried and tested patterns of idealization, devaluation and discard.
The below explanation by Sam Vaknin reveals why a narcissist’s “pursuit of a woman” should not be equated to “love:”
Are you being treated like a supply?
Are you reading this now because you feel something’s off with your relationship and you could relate to the above descriptions? Maybe the below checklist could help you know.
You are allowing yourself to be his Narcissistic Supply if:
You pay more attention to his needs than your own.
You feel you are your partner’s friend, best friend, lover, psychiatrist, mother, financial source, guide, guardian and everything else.
You feel the responsibility to constantly make your partner feel better.
You feel easily affected / swayed / persuaded by what your partner says / does.
You feel reluctant to criticize, even constructively, your partner for fear of his anger, rage or negative reaction towards you; or for fear that he will blame you as the cause of his negative feelings.
You always think of him – even if you’re not with him and specially when you’re with him – and how you can make him happy; how you can satisfy him; how you can make him not feel sad / not feel angry; how he can like you more; how he can dislike you less; how you can give him more of what he wants.
You go out of your way to give / provide him with anything he needs but he doesn’t do the same for you – and it is okay with you. It is also okay if you don’t do the same for yourself.
You adjust to his moods, tantrums and do your best to keep the peace sans your real feelings.
If you say “Yes” to one or more of these statements, you are allowing yourself to be his Narcissistic Supply.
Remember, being someone’s significant other does not equate to you being his narcissistic supply. You do not deserve to be anyone’s narcissistic supply. You are a person who deserves love, respect.
You are not someone’s milking cow.
You are not helping the person you’re giving supply to by being an narcissistic supplier yourself. You are merely enabling him to further devolve and you are taking yourself along with him.
Do yourself a favor and attend to your own needs first for your betterment. Doing so makes him aware of your self-worth and how he should treat you – with dignity and empathy. It also makes you aware of your self-worth. You also give your Self the Love and Respect you deserve.
You are not helping him by staying in the relationship. You are merely enabling him to continue being his worst self; you are not helping him evolve; you are allowing him to continue on the path to entropy.
Being with him / staying with him won’t save him. Only he can save himself.
The least he could do is admit and acknowledge his abuse, his narcissism. You have no responsibility for his healing. He first needs to admit he needs healing and allow him to take the necessary steps to do this.
If he doesn’t want to, you therefore have the responsibility to set Your Self free, to care for your Self and go through your own process of healing.
Remember, he can only treat you in a way you allow him to – this statement puts the power on YOU and not on him or anyone else.
He only has power over you if you let him.
“Special love note to anyone beating yourself up for being ‘snared’ by an illusion under these transits. Please, please forgive yourself!
Some people are absolute MASTERS at creating and drawing others in their webs, whether intentionally or not. Some are simply acting from their unconconscious insecurities or need for attention…or devotion. And they served a profound purpose to show you what you REALLY deserve. Saturn is always a blessing.
So here’s what matters. Forgive yourself, love yourself, absorb the lesson of your own shimmering beauty and value, kiss your bruises, and …say goodbye.”
Tosha Silver
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