Echo and Narcissus (1903) by John William Waterhouse
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a condition wherein a person is pathologically self-centered and has no empathy towards others.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disordered) individuals or narcissists could not empathize because they could not connect.
They could not put themselves in another person’s shoes because they are too self-focused to do so.
The only time they put their attention onto others is when they are manipulating or convincing others to do their bidding;
when they are wooing others to their favor;
when they are managing other people’s perception about them.
Narcissists build an image of themselves as charming, likeable, personable, charismatic.
Some create an image of themselves as being unable to hurt a fly, as the typical boy-next-door, as a reliable individual or a person who has integrity and is altruistic.
All of these are merely impressions narcissists want to leave on you and which they exert constant effort to maintain. These images are all false.
It is these false images that move, breathe and interact with others. NPD individuals literally go through life through their false selves.
This false self consists mostly of mannerisms, attitudes, statements, actions collected from the environment and organized with the intent to build up a favorable identity.
Whatever identity narcissists choose, its purpose is to pull others towards them or to win others over.
Similar to a mask, this identity is a mere disguise, pretense. This put-on identity is similar to a costume worn for a show or an actor playing a character.
Every flourish of the hand a narcissist makes, any head movement, every stomp of their feet is an act.
Anything narcissists say comes from a script they memorized in their head which their false self decided they must say and do in order to function in the world; in order to blend in; in order to draw others to their cause.
Narcissists are good mimics
Similar to 4-year olds, narcissists build their false self by mimicking statements or mirroring beliefs, actions they see from others.
They impress onto their false self what they think people will like, admire, appreciate. They then pretend this false self is who they are.
In reality, what’s really inside them is an empty shell and a bottomless hollow emptiness no one and nothing could ever fill – not even themselves.
No amount of love, affection or care could fill this bottomless pit thus their constant need to acquire and to keep someone close to them – physically or otherwise.
This is why narcissists can’t let go. In turn, they choose partners who can’t say “No.”
NPD individuals could not comprehend intimacy.
They may know intimacy’s dictionary definition but they are unable to experience it.
They may know in their head what it looks like, but they don’t know how it feels.
Narcissists could only memorize events not assimilate it. They memorize the dates, the time, the circumstance because that is what they can only grasp. They are unable to experience the feeling of that event no matter how hard they try or pretend to.
Narcissists are confined inside a glass box.
Narcissists could touch you but they cannot feel you. They could kiss you but they cannot experience you.
They can say “I love you” but they cannot LOVE you.
Narcissists could never get enough
Nothing is enough, narcissists always need more, they always want more. When narcissists say “I couldn’t get enough of you,” it’s because they literally cannot get enough of you because no matter how hard they try, they cannot experience you – they do not know how to.
NPD individuals are constantly frustrated because they cannot get what they already have – thus their rage.
Imagine a pillow inside a bubble wrap. You know the color of the pillow, its size, its shape, you may have an idea of how soft or hard it is but you can’t feel the pillow or experience it.
You are unable to authentically know how it is to lay on the pillow so you settle instead to understand in your mind what you think the pillow feels like based on what you can see.
This is how narcissists `experience’ people and their immediate environment. Narcissists themselves are inside a bubble wrap so no amount of effort could tear down or break the bubble wrap or glass box they are in.
Inside the bubble wrap or glass box is an empty shell; a bottomless pit that needs constant filling via acquiring people’s attention, affection, reaction, presence.
Yet no matter how much more narcissists get, they simply cannot have enough. For narcissists, nothing is ever enough – thus their addiction for relationships and stimulation.
They could only be temporarily satiated but this lasts briefly. Once narcissists see the bottomless pit staring back at them, once they realize they are empty, they scour to fill themselves and get their fix once again.
They may be in a loving relationship but they cannot sense the depth of it. They can only simulate the actions most people associate with love.
They can pretend to be in love and ACT loving, but they cannot actually BE loving or feel love, thus their rage.
They can look loving or appear loving with the intent to make people think they are loving.
(This is why you’re confused on why he is mean to you in the privacy of your room but everyone else thinks he is a nice person.)
They rage towards others and they rage towards themselves. They are unable to experience joy – which in turn makes them project their frustration onto people.
Narcissists are in constant fear
Narcissists have the tremendous fear of feeling empty and alone. They are also in constant terror of being discovered for their deceit; and for their false selves to be exposed.
Thus, they are always on the lookout for people/individuals who will help build the identity they want to be known for.
They also use people to fill their emptiness (a mission no one in the world could accomplish, no matter how hard someone tries – even if that someone dies).
So narcissists flit from one person to another making sure that someone fills their feelings of lack and that someone empties herself out for the narcissist’s sake.
Once that person empties herself out, he moves onto another one, and another, and another with no care or concern for other people’s welfare.
Narcissists constantly work to maintain the image they want people to perceive about them. They are extremely sensitive to social rules/norms, technicalities and even legalities that they make a concerted effort to maintain an appearance of `goodness.’
They do not have the motive or the intent to be good. They are merely concerned to be thought of or be seen as `good.’
There is no intimacy with narcissists
Narcissists do not know intimacy but they are experts in aping this. They are proficient in acting out / pretending to be intimate when actually, all they are doing is using this as a guise to extract supply.
They need to do this in order to get others to stay with them / be with them / to supply their wants and needs.
Narcissists could only know proximity not intimacy. They could only equate closeness by being physically near or being emotionally obsessed/hooked on someone or being mentally in someone’s head.
They need to be in contact with you in any manner or form. Thus they are boundary violators.
They have a constant need to be physically near you or emotionally/mentally haunt you.
That is why most narcissists constantly need to know where you always are, what you’re doing, why you’re doing it; why you’re not thinking of him; why you should always think of him.
They are afraid to lose their connection with you not because they deem you special, it’s because you are their fix.
It is not him connecting with you, it is him obsessing over you because he knows – even if he already has you – he can’t authentically BE with you.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder explained my experience up to the minutest detail. It made sense of my confusion.
Everything fell into place when I learned everything about NPD that I felt all the questions I had about the relationship I was in were answered. The puzzle was finally solved.
For a thorough description of narcissism from a self-professed narcissist, go to http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html and http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html
The site ‘The Last Psychiatrist’ is where I learned how Narcissistic Personality Disordered individuals only feel shame, not guilt or authentic remorse.
Melanie Tonia Evans’ website offers a comprehensive list as well as descriptions of what a narcissist says and do http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm
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