“Don’t be sad.”
These were few of the suggestions I heard from well-meaning people, friends and family when they learned that the relationship I had with my narc-ex ended.
These are also the usual advice anyone could read from self-help books and relationship sites.
Though doing all these are indeed helpful, the most important detail left out is the “How?”
“How can I not be sad when I am?!”
“How can I stop crying when I can’t help it?”
“How can I forget him when memories of him would just pop in my head along with the hurts and abuses he inflicted?!”
“How can I love myself when it’s easier to hate myself for falling in ‘love’ with someone who just pretended to love me?”
“How can I not blame him when he made me feel like hell?!”
“How can I let go?”
No Contact was a very big step to reclaim my sanity and save myself but it was only half the battle.
I truly had to move on and free myself from the painful memories. I also had to shake off my fears and anxieties. I had to stop feeling weak and vulnerable. I had to make myself NOT fall for abusive men.
I didn’t know what to do.
I wished I could get past all my pain and not be affected by details which reminded me of the traumatic relationship I was in.
I wished the intrusive memories and ruminating thoughts of the abusive events would stop.
I wished my physical reactions (such as tense muscles, difficulty breathing, heart-pounding) would stop when I am reminded of the hurts I experienced.
I wished I could bring back my zest in life.
I wished I had passion, energy and enthusiasm for activities I used to love to do.
I wished I no longer felt despair and hopelessness about my life and my future.
I wished I could sleep well at night.
I wished my outbursts of anger would stop.
I wished I wasn’t afraid of speaking with men again.
I wished I was no longer easily startled, scared, anxious and jumpy.
I wished I’d stop feeling guilty.
I wished I’d stop blaming myself.
I wished I could trust other people again.
I had to ask: Is it possible to totally heal?
My question lead me to discover people and tools that helped my healing and recovery possible.
The following are few of the tools I used to help me heal and recover:
1 Melanie Tonia Evans’ Quanta Freedom Healing
Quanta Freedom Healing was the emotional first aid kit my heart and body needed at the time it was suffering from severe emotional and energetic beating.
Experiencing these sessions helped me reconnect with my body. It helped me fully FEEL my emotions as well as parts of myself I was still denying. I was also able to face my pains and bring them to my attention.
Her specific Quanta Freedom Healing sessions for narcissistic abuse – the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – further targeted specific issues I was still holding onto and which were major concerns for me.
These feelings included my guilt, shame, self-blame, self-anger, my need for closure / revenge, fear of what the narc can do and all the what-if’s that were still swirling in my head and heart.
I recommend QFH and N.A.R.P to help you process all INTENSE emotions of sadness, anger, grief, regret, resentment and even hate. It brings all these to your awareness, helping you face them, feel them and be in its space enough for you to completely release these all from your system.
After I went through the Quanta Freedom healing sessions, any memories which came up about my narc-ex no longer had an emotional charge (there were no anger, sadness, pain).
Instead, my painful experience was something I can point at and identify. I could separate myself from it and hold it to the light without being emotionally or physically affected by it.
Also, my body literally felt light. When I spoke, my chest felt light. My head felt light. My neck felt light. Even my TMJ disorder disappeared.
I also stopped bingeing on food. I could sleep well at night and in regular hours too. My heartburn symptoms also decreased.
Quanta Freedom Healing helped clear away all my muck. It helped me be aware of my body, respect my body, be in my body and focus on the NOW and this MOMENT.
Through Quanta Freedom Healing I also discovered the importance of working on myself continuously and consistently.
Quanta Freedom Healing made the process of accepting my self (dysfunctions and all), LOVING and RESPECTING myself easier and NATURAL.
I also became aware of any less-than thoughts I have towards myself.
Below is a free QFH healing session on Melanie Tonia Evans’ show on Blog Talk Radio. You need not believe what I say because you can easily experience it yourself.
2 Frank Kinslow’s Quantum Entrainment
I discovered Quantum Entrainment thru Hayhouse Radio.
Quantum Entrainment “is a completely natural technique that produces immediate healing and harmony in body, mind, and spirit. It is a complete system with proven results that you can use to increase confidence, creativity, abundance and happiness.”
Developed by Dr. Frank Kinslow, the best way to explain Quantum Entrainment is in terms of rest.
“Rest is the universal healer. The deeper the rest the deeper the healing. When one does Quantum Entrainment they experience the deepest rest possible, deeper even than deep sleep. This very deep rest results in a very deep healing in seconds to minutes. It does not require any special talent or training because this kind of healing is natural for anyone once they realize it.”
QE is another tool that helped my body heal. It allowed my body to deeply relax. It also helped me to become resistant to stress – be it mental, emotional or psychological.
Upon continually doing Quantum Entrainment as well as other techniques under the Kinslow System, which could be downloaded for free as an MP3 at http://www.kinslowsystem.com/learn.html, I began to notice and feel changes in me.
I experienced a balance and stillness. I also felt less affected by events. I am aware of them happening without being too emotionally attached to them.
I also felt less fearful, anxious. I also felt that my boundaries got stronger. Negative remarks I hear from people rolled off from me as if they were dust. Negative actions, remarks or thoughts from people didn’t have a tremendous impact on me nor was I affected by it.
I felt no need to participate in any argument. Yet I saw myself spontaneously able to stand up for myself naturally and with no effort.
Thanks to Quantum Entrainment, I was able to be `in the moment’ and completely understand what that meant as I was able to experience being in it.
I also felt light and more open to things. I was not thinking or worrying. My steps were slower, relaxed, unhurried yet focused and firm. I also found myself feeling refreshed and energized.
3 Cry your heart and guts out
Crying from my gut with deep, deep guttural gasps and sobs – along with tears and snots – helped my body release all the emotions, hurt and pain it was carrying. It’s not a pretty sight but after releasing these emotions, the left part of my body felt light.
Beating the pillows, shouting, screaming or whatever way you can express your emotions in a healthy and safe manner is helpful.
“When a woman is having panic attacks or crying spells, I know that some emotional material is coming to the surface to be processed. To observers who haven’t experienced deep process (or emotional release), she may appear to be “losing it,” “going off the deep end,” or “getting out of control.” She is not “out of control,” however; she is simply allowing a healing process to arise within the body.”
Dr. Christiane Northrup (Ob-Gyn and author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom)
4 Write a letter
I wrote a letter to my narc-ex. For me, the letter was one of the things I had to do during the final phase of my healing and recovery.
Feel free to write a similar letter immediately after you have broken up or if you are struggling to move on. Write one now if you feel like you need to.
It is a letter that is not supposed to be sent. Its purpose is to allow you to say anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to.
It is you giving yourself closure as narcissists are incapable of ever giving anyone closure.
Though the letter I wrote was addressed to my ex, it was a letter I had to write for my heart’s sake. It was not meant for his eyes. It was meant for my soul’s voice.
It was I pouring out what I needed to say.
Tosha Silver, author of the book Outrageous Openness, advised:
“..Write with complete abandon, without restraint or editing. Swear, scream, defame, whatever. Don’t stop until you’re really done.”
After I wrote the letter, I burned it. I burned the letter and saw the smoke as a symbol of me surrendering my experience to the universe. It also symbolized the completion of my contract with my narc-ex and the end of the unhealthy dynamic of our relationship.
It also represented the fact that I will no longer be allowing my self to participate or go through any unhealthy dynamic with anyone; and that I respect and Love my Self enough to not undermine my worth.
5 Wounds need a witness
“The healing process requires that our wounds be acknowledged by another person in order for our psyche and spirit to initiate the process of release. This need is so critical to the healing process that it should rightly be thought of as a ritual and indeed treated as such. Further, the role of the individual listening to the person revealing the wound should appropriately be recognized within the archetype as the Witness. Many healings remain incomplete because – usually unconsciously – the setting of the ritual was not recognized or brought properly to closure.”
I felt this need even before I saw this quote from medial intuitive and writer Caroline Myss. However, it is important that the witness to the wound be non-judgmental and open. It also helps if both the witness and the wounded individual could authentically be in an empathetic space enough for the latter to share her thoughts and feelings with no fear.
Journaling and detailing aspects of the relationship helped me process the events, my experience as well as my emotions. Doing so similarly organized my thoughts.
My journal was my first witness.
It was also a tremendous help that the second major witness to my wounds were people who KNOW exactly what I was going through and who have gone through something similar and have learned from it; and is sharing their experiences and life lessons.
Below are helpful forums you can share your experience with as well as learn from.
The important thing is to be in a space that provides no judgments, only golden nuggets of realizations about your Self and what you can do to further save yourself from despair and sadness with the help of others who have gone through a similar situation.
These are a few of the steps I did to heal and recover from a pseudo-love relationship. It is my intent that these steps will also help you authentically heal, move on, let go as well as be empowered to live and authentically love.