In the beginning, pseudolove is thrilling. Anything and everything you expected and wanted love to be presents itself as pseudolove.
Pseudolove is falling in love with your beliefs, expectations, ideas about love.
It is being in love with the idea of being in love.
It is falling in love with thoughts, images, feelings you associate with what you think love is.
Consequently, pseudolove makes you feel you have everything you’ve always wanted in a relationship.
Pseudolove makes you believe he completes you; that you are nothing without him; it leads you to think you’re with an “Angel.”
Pseudolove feels glorious at first. It feels spectacular enough to compel you to go against the world.
Pseudolove is manipulative.
Pseudolove is tied to conditions.
Pseudolove looks for reasons to care.
Pseudolove gives in order to receive.
Pseudolove pushes your personal boundaries.
Pseudolove feeds your fantasy.
Pseudolove is arrogant.
Pseudolove is rude.
Pseudolove is unfair.
Pseudolove is urgently and vigorously self-protecting.
Pseudolove is always suspicious.
Pseudolove promotes pessimism.
Pseudolove is controlling.
Pseudolove is not boring, it is dramatic and almost theatrical that you feel you are constantly on your toes walking on eggshells.
Pseudolove makes you think that what you are feeling is real, that what you are hearing is true, that what you are seeing is proof of his “love” for you.
We have all been in pseudolove. Our culture promotes it and, at times, even thrives on it. What is important is to be aware of it when we do fall in pseudolove and make conscious changes to evolve to authentic love. If you and your partner fall into the traps of pseudolove yet both of you make willful efforts to free yourself from these traps, pseudolove merely becomes a step towards the process of growing into authentic love.
If one or both of you fall into the pseudolove trap and one or both of you stay there and refuse to make conscious changes for the betterment of the other (the intent to grow into authentic love must be mutual), you or your partner may be in a pathological pseudolove relationship.
Please see if you are either of these pseudolovers:
The Narcissistic Personality-Disordered Pseudolover
The Codependent Pseudolover
Codependent pseudolovers fall in pseudolove.
They believe in others and not themselves. They depend on what others could give them and not on what they could give themselves.
Codependent pseudolovers wait for people to save them. They do not believe they have the power to save themselves. They seek in others what they believe they lack. They do not feel their own worth and so depend on others to make them feel worthy.
Narcissistic Personality Disordered pseudolovers believe in the power of their own falsity.
They are blind to their own flaws, faults and vulnerability. Since they cannot see themselves as they truly are, they are unable to see others except as projections of their own unacknowledged fears, insecurities, weaknesses.
Narcissistic pseudolovers are only able to see others as extensions of themselves. They could only see people in terms of how others could serve their own purpose and will. NPDs see people as reflections of their own false self-image.
Narcissistic pseudolove makes you feel you can do anything in its name regardless of your safety and self-worth.
Narcissistic pseudolove also breeds attachment.
It leads you to constantly and obsessively think of your partner. When done consistently, this eventually makes you think the same way your partner thinks and believe the same things your partner believes until in the long run, you start to see yourself the way your partner sees you.
When you are in narcissistic pseudolove, you lose your self. You lose your connection to your values. You feel disconnected to your body. You feel like you’re losing your mind.
You feel confused. You feel insecure. You feel guilty. You think that everything bad about the relationship is your fault. You feel anxious. You feel fear. You feel frustrated. You feel helpless and powerless.
Despite all these, narcissistic pseudolove convinces you that:
“He really didn’t mean what he said / did;”
“He was just going through the most difficult time in his life;”
“He’ll change, I can help him. I’ll save him. I can fix him”
Narcissistic pseudolove is a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Narcissistic pseudolove is draining.
Narcissistic pseudolove is exhausting.
Narcissistic pseudolove helps you forget how to enjoy your self.
Narcissistic pseudolove is selfish. It is not kind. It is impatient. It is aggressive. It wants what it wants right now.
Narcissistic pseudolove doesn’t care how it gets what it wants as long as it does – even if someone gets hurt in the process.
Narcissistic pseudolove envies.
Narcissistic pseudolove is cold and distant.
Narcissistic pseudolove is constantly filled with rage.
Narcissistic pseudolove keeps a list of wrongs.
Narcissistic pseudolove compulsively lies.
Narcissistic pseudolove chronically deceives.
Narcissistic pseudolove persistently hides the truth.
Narcissistic pseudolove delights in wrongdoing.
Narcissistic pseudolove always wants to get the upper-hand.
Narcissistic pseudolove is unethical.
Narcissistic pseudolove is obsessively jealous.
Narcissistic pseudolove delights in morbidity and misery.
Narcissistic pseudolove idealizes, devalues and discards.
Narcissistic pseudolove is abusive (verbally, emotionally, mentally,
psychologically, physically, financially, sexually).
All these aren’t sincere if these come with an agenda – to hook you fast, hook you good, keep you hooked and remain hooked enough for you to actually want to stay for more.
Once you decide to stay for more, pseudolove demands that you give more – of your self, of your money, of your body, of your energy, of your time, of your life – even if it is unnecessary and fatally unhealthy to do so.
There is no closure with Narcissistic pseudolove.
Narcissistic pseudolove keeps you hanging.
Narcissistic pseudolove admits no guilt, feels no remorse, offer no authentic apologies or accountability.
Narcissistic pseudolove disposes, exits and moves on from one relationship only to attach to another.
Narcissistic pseudolove doesn’t last because it was never real, yet the pain it leaves seems like it would stay and haunt you forever.
At times, Narcissistic pseudolove seems to last but it only does so as long as no change, no growth, no evolution and no self-awareness occurs.
Where does pseudolove come from?
Obsession for the false self is the root of pseudolove. This false self is nurtured when you see your self / when your identity and the image you project is dependent on something outside of you.
The false self has an obsessive and forceful need to be right sans the truth and facts.
The false self is fear-based. It is constantly afraid to fail; to be wrong; to face reality; to be thought of and seen as imperfect.
The false self says and does things according to what everybody else says and thinks is right.
The false self is nurtured through denial, lies, manipulation, and rigorous beliefs.
It is easy for the false self to fall head over heels in pseudolove.
When you see your self from other people’s eyes; when you appreciate your self from the standards of others; when your opinion of your self is based on the judgments of others; when you base your worth on how people / places / events deem you worthy; you are setting yourself up to fall in pseudo-love.
Pseudolove happens when you see someone not as who/what s/he is but what you think s/he should be.
When you look at someone through the eyes of pseudolove, you see him/her not as s/he appears but how you want him/her to be.
“I do not see you as you really are, I see you as my mind wants to see you. While I’m creating an image of you, you are busy creating an image of me. We’re like two puppeteers working over our own puppets and so engrossed to make the puppets relate we do not get to know each other – the puppeteers – we do not know who is behind the movements.”