If you keep your eyes open, your heart aware, your mind de-cluttered; if you listen to your body and heed its messages, identifying a pseudolover is possible.
Once you know the behaviors of a pseudolover, protecting your Self from them; keeping your Self away from them is do-able; healing your Self from the poison of their presence in your heart, mind, soul, body and life is achievable.
Similarly, you can be free from being a pseudolover yourself.
Pseudolovers come in many shapes, sizes, appearances and socio-economic background. Though one might seem different from another, they all share the same basic trait: pseudo-lovers interact with people through their false selves.
Below are few of the common behaviors of a Narcissist pseudolover:
He constantly puts the blame on you or anyone except himself;
He never admits his faults, misdemeanors and is never accountable or responsible for anything;
He gets close quickly because you have something he wants to have;
He makes you feel unsure of yourself;
He makes you feel guilty;
He is self-centered;
He is selfish;
He pressures you to say things he wants to hear even if you don’t feel like saying it;
He is aggressive;
He speaks ill of and discredits his ex;
He speaks ill of and discredits others;
He solicits your sympathy early on in the relationship by playing the victim;
He devalues others and idealizes you, which later turns to him devaluing you;
He trivializes your feelings;
He dismisses your opinions;
He constantly one-ups you;
He turns the tables on you;
He confuses you enough to think that his rage and frustration is always your fault;
He is overly dramatic, theatrical;
He is compulsively dishonest;
He constantly lies;
He is childish;
He is immature;
He has tantrums;
He is abusive (mentally, emotionally, physically, verbally, sexually, psychologically, financially);
He is a master manipulator of facts to paint the picture to his favor;
He is a pathological liar;
He believes other people are responsible for the way he feels;
He offers an apology but is never really “sorry” as his apology is given in a manner just to get the `apology’ over and done with; he also provides no specific reason for what he’s apologizing for;
He says “sorry” but insists that his wrongdoing was your fault.
He apologizes enough to make you believe he’s sorry but he doesn’t really change;
He expects you to get over the pain he caused even if you’re still hurting;
He calls you many times a day and demands that your full attention be on him; even if you’re together, he demands that your attention be always on him and how everything is about him.
His constant effort to make contact with you is akin to stalking;
He doesn’t heed or listens to your “no;”
He is invasive;
He punishes you (emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, sexually) when he senses that you are losing your connection / attachment to him or when you disagree with him and do not support his ideas.
He is in a hurry to “love” / to attach / to win you over;
He is arrogant;
He is manipulative;
He is largely concerned about guarding and repairing his thought-of identity / false self;
He is blatantly unable to empathize with the distress, sadness, trauma you’re going through despite him being the cause of it;
He has an unreasonable need for high-risk decisions or activities;
He has very poor behavioral self-restraint and is putting you and others in danger.
Narcissist pseudo-lovers are unable to genuinely love and empathize. They can only care for their thought-of-identity and how others see them.
They are unable to feel the pain they inflict on others. For them, any intimate relationship is a game they can manipulate and must win from.
Their objective is in one-upping the other be it their partner, lover, friend, relative, co-worker, etc.
They are also unable to change despite all the love, care and affection given to them. They can only “act” and ape the motions most associate with love without ever knowing or actually feeling what authentic love is.
They are forever play-acting.
Below are a few of the common behaviors of a Codependent PseudoLover:
You expect someone outside of yourself to fill your feelings of lack;
You think your partner is worth every little quantity of your self;
You neglect your own needs in order to fulfill the needs of others;
You do all you can to prove your worth so your partner will accept / love you;
You feel you are nothing without a partner;
Your good feelings are dependent on being liked or approved by others, specially your partner;
You are constantly giving as a way of feeling safe, secure or loved;
You put your values aside in order to connect with your partner;
You value your partner’s opinion and way of doing things more than your own;
You feel you need someone to complete you;
You allow yourself to be hurt, abused, used, demeaned, dismissed, taken for granted, manipulated, lied to;
You feel responsible for making your partner feel better;
You aim to please and feel satisfied doing so;
You always feel guilty in the relationship and believe that you are always at fault and that you can – and always make sure that you – do better;
You feel you are responsible for your partner’s happiness and you’re more than ready to dance on your head just to keep him happy/ keep him from leaving / keep him from being sad or angry / keep him from going off in a rage;
You are attuned to what your partner feels but not on what you feel;
Your fear of your partner’s rejection and anger dictates what you say or do;
Your spend less time with your friends and family because you spend more time involving yourself with your partner;
Codependent pseudo-lovers are unable to love their selves and so focus their energy, attention, time and affection towards others hoping that other people will love them.
Codependent pseudo-lovers love the image other people have of them as they are unable to see anything in themselves that is worth loving. They depend on others to give them the love they couldn’t give themselves.
Do you want to get out of a pseudolove relationship but can’t?
A pseudolove relationship is a roller-coaster ride of ups, downs and round-&-round of going nowhere whilst ending up in the same emotional place of frustration, confusion, hurt.
Though a respite from all these – called the honeymoon stage – is possible, it is temporary since the same pattern emerges and re-emerges in an endless cycle of repetition.
Eventually, this develops into an addiction until you realize that a lot of time has passed and a lot of pain has gone through your body, your mind, your heart. Despite all these though, you still cannot make yourself stop.
In a pseudolove relationship, you cannot help but continue making those vertigo-inducing trips while at the same time wishing that you have the courage to jump out and let go.
How can you gain the strength to resist the pseudo-lover’s manipulative tactics? How can you get off this emotional death ride?
The good news is: you can be strong; you can free yourself from pain, confusion and your pseudo-love addiction.
The not so good news is, you have to work on being honest with yourself; you have to be Self-aware enough to see how much you are in denial of being in denial.
You have to face your fears. You have to look at your beliefs and be prepared to let them go. You have to dig through your ego to find your authentic truth as based on your own experience and not on what people or your culture tells you.
All these require hard and heavy work. There are tools to get you started chipping away age-old habits and thought patterns you are convinced are yours but never were.
Change is possible.
Authentic love need not be acquired or achieved. It is always there. All you need is to allow it to flourish and move in you.
There is a reason why you’re reading this NOW. No time is too late. No time is too early. The most important moment is NOW.
The reason why you are here is YOU. It is time for you to be kind to your Self. It is time to take care of your Self. It is time to clear your head, cleanse your heart and lighten your load.
You are the one you’re waiting for. You have nothing to lose but a lot of wisdom to gain. Most importantly, you’ll learn to love your Self enough to be whole.