Self-Awareness Archives

Category: Self-Awareness

Top 4 reasons why you should heed what your body is telling you

We all inhabit our bodies but have you noticed how we pay little attention to it when it speaks, whispers or gives us a nudge about that nth cup of coffee we’re drinking, that pack of cigarettes we have consumed, or the 4-hour sleep we just had?

Are we simply too busy to take care of ourselves?

Do you listen to your body when it aches or do you get annoyed instead and make sure that any pain you feel is immediately quelled by medication, food, an entertaining distraction or even by a relationship?

When a pang of emotional pain comes up, do you feel into it or do you brush it away for maybe another day or two or more until you conveniently forget there was a twinge of feeling in the first place?

Or maybe you literally hurtle on and pretend that you haven’t felt or aren’t feeling anything at all?

I did all these and more. The end result was not a pretty sight or experience – though it was tremendously a learning one.

I finally listened to my body when I had no choice. When I did, it gave me all I needed to know about my choices, my life and my Self. All the answers to the questions I ever had were literally right under my nose, I just didn’t pay attention.

I had to learn the below lessons the hard way enough for me to know the following statements as truths:

1 Our body knows more than our head ever could

“We have to give our bodies credit for their innate wisdom. We also don’t need to know exactly why something is happening in our bodies in order to respond to it. You don’t need to know why your heart is racing or why you feel like crying. Understanding comes after you have allowed yourself to experience what you’re feeling.

Healing is an organic process that happens in the body as well as in the intellect. So if you are feeling “out of sorts” or “off balance,” just be with that feeling; allow it to come up. After you have allowed yourself to experience it, take a moment and go back over the events yourself to experience it, take a moment and go back over the events of the last few hours or days. If you are feeling ill or having symptoms, reflecting on recent events may give you a clue about what preceded the symptoms.”

Dr. Christiane Northrup, Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom p. 53

For years I dismissed, denied the messages my body was telling me. I didn’t pay attention to my gut feelings even when it was shouting at me to do so.

My head was blissfully unaware that my body was already showing signs of sadness, unexpressed anger, anxiety and misery that it gave me an ultimatum: deny to death the reality staring right in front of me OR live in the lightness of truth and freedom. I chose the former. As a result, I experienced a slew of physical problems that I shrugged off as inconveniences.

For instance, during the last three years of my being in a pseudolove relationship, my red blood cell count was below the normal; I had gastroesophageal reflux disease; I felt weak, fatigued and heavy during the afternoons; I was obese; I found it difficult to deeply inhale and exhale; I was always catching my breath; I had idiopathic urticaria which kept me up at night; I had insomnia; the entire left part of my body – from my head down to my feet – was in pain; I had TMJ dysfunction.

Psychologically, I felt fearful, anxious, I was constantly doubting myself. I had no energy for work.

I felt so unsure about my decisions and I was constantly questioning my choices. I snapped at anyone and everyone for trivial reasons. I’d cry for no reason. I was constantly afraid.

Little did I know that all these were signs my body was giving off. My body was forcing me to pay attention to the abuse and lies I was receiving from my narc-ex as well as the lies and denials I was telling myself.

When I finally faced and paid attention to my emotional issues, the physical symptoms I experienced dissolved.

My gastroesophageal reflux disease cleared when I did the healing work that helped me let go of my fears and admit my denials.

I was able to sleep soundly at night when I was able to name the dysfunction my narc-ex had as well as acknowledge my being codependent.

Acknowledging and accepting my flaws and mistakes were painful but doing so literally lightened my emotional and physical load.

The pain on the entire left side of my body literally lifted and dissolved when I cried my guts out. I was able to do deep, deep, deep breathing when I faced, acknowledged, experienced and went into my sadness and grief.

Doing all these helped me realize that my body was aching to get all these emotional toxins of abuse out of my system, it was only waiting for me to pay attention to it.

2 My head could stay in denial but my body couldn’t, no matter how hard I try.

“We deny because we’re built to see what we want to see.”

Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

I was in denial about being in denial that it was impossible for me to see something that was right in front of me.

To be fair to my body, it was extremely patient. It tried its best to work with what I was giving it – or more appropriately what I was denying it. But the truth was simply too powerful to be disregarded.

Essentially, my convictions were simply too flimsy when held to the light of honesty. And my body made sure it let me know it wasn’t happy with my decisions.

Ultimately, living the truth saved my life, my heart and my soul. I was sincerely renewed by it. But the process was not easy. I was dismissing the truth for a long time because I was afraid it would be painful.

I was afraid I’d lose everything I held dear.

I was afraid I’d have nothing and I’d be back to square one.

I was afraid that I’d struggle, be unhappy and miserable.

I was also afraid of what everyone would think of me. I was terrified that all I worked hard for will be destroyed.

Guess what, all these things happened anyway BECAUSE I dismissed the truth; BECAUSE I didn’t follow my gut feelings.

I was actually already sad and miserable before I realized I was. Everything I was afraid to lose were everything I never had in the first place. I lost all the illusions my head was working overtime to build and maintain.

I also realized I was simply propping up the illusions I wanted to believe.

There are simple and easy ways to listen and heed what your body is telling you.

All you have to do is be open to its mutterings and pay attention. You don’t need to do anything big or dramatic.

Start from where you are right now.

What are you doing?

What are you feeling?

Is there something in this post or this site that resonates with you?

Notice how you’re breathing.

Are any thoughts coming up right now? If there are, observe them. Watch them.

Be aware of your whole body right now.

Be aware of your eyes looking at the computer screen or while reading these words.

Be aware of your hands. Where are they? What are they doing?

Be aware of your fingers.

Be aware of your feet. Feel where they are stepping on.

Be aware of your toes.

These are simple, fast and easy ways to connect with your body.

Another way is to stand in front of the mirror and look at your face.

Look at your eyes and say, “I love you.”

Look at your nose and say, “I love you.”

Look at your lips and say, “I love you.”

Look at the space between your nose and lips then say, “I love you.”

Look at your chin and say, “I love you.”

Look at your cheeks and say, “I love you.”

Look at your forehead and say, “I love you.”

Look at the space between your eyes and eyebrow and say, “I love you.”

Now, what do you feel? Sure, these may be cheesy or corny but what have you got to lose by not doing these? All you need to do is be aware.

Let your feelings out if you need to. Simply allow it and be with it.

Your head may lie and deny, but your body can’t.

“The body never lies.”

Christiane Northrup, M.D.

3 The body has a mind of its own, and it’s not in the brain, it’s in the gut.

Some call this intuition. Some call this gut feel.

In the medical field, the gut is referred to as the second brain. It is `equipped with its own reflexes and senses. Its behavior is independent from the brain.’

“The little brain in our innards, in connection with the big one in our skulls, partly determines our mental state and plays key roles in certain diseases throughout the body.

“The system is way too complicated to have evolved only to make sure things move out of your colon,” says Emeran Mayer, professor of physiology, psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at the David Geffen School of Medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles (U.C.L.A.). For example, scientists were shocked to learn that about 90 percent of the fibers in the primary visceral nerve, the vagus, carry information from the gut to the brain and not the other way around.

The second brain informs our state of mind in other more obscure ways, as well. “A big part of our emotions are probably influenced by the nerves in our gut,” Mayer says. Butterflies in the stomach—signaling in the gut as part of our physiological stress response..”

Japanese Samurais call the space two inches below the navel as Hara. Samurais are taught early on to focus on this space before they go to a fight. Putting attention on the Hara allows them to fight intuitively and be aware of things they couldn’t wrap their head around.

“They say that when you are fighting there is no time. Mind needs time to function; it calculates. If you are attacked and your mind thinks about how to protect, you have missed the point already, you have lost.

…Below the navel there is a center, the hara, which functions timelessly. If the focusing is at the hara and the fighter is fighting, then this fight is intuitive, not intellectual. Before you attack him, he knows. It is a subtle feeling in the hara, not in the head. It is not an inference…Before you attack him, before you think of attacking him, the thought has reached him. His hara is hit and he is ready to protect himself. Even before you have attacked, he is in defense, he has protected himself.”

For years I had doubts and misgivings about my narc-ex. The first time I saw him – without knowing anything about him or even talking to him – the word that instantly popped in my head was the word “gigolo.” Of course I had to dismiss this as I had no proof.

I also thought, “How mean of me to judge someone I don’t even know!” Fourteen years later, my gut feelings proved me right.

I also had goose bumps when, a mere week after we met, he presented to me a 20+ page story of a psychologically-troubled man who had a wife named “Jen” – which he later carelessly and obviously altered to “Jem” when he saw my discomfort. He blamed me later on for not appreciating his effort to place my name on the story.

I made sure my doubts were dismissed and rationalized away. Looking back now, the “doubts” and “misgivings” I felt were actually REAL yet I focused on things that will distract me from these. I didn’t want these doubts to be real. I wanted them to go away.

Little did I know, my body was already aware of the truth and it was doing its best to help me pay attention. It wanted me to be aware of feelings, danger signals I didn’t want to look at or acknowledge. Now I know I should have. Now that you know, make sure you do.

“I am where I am now because I followed my gut.”

Oprah

4 Don’t under estimate the power of the body.

The body is a different entity in itself. I now know better to treat it the way I would treat a friend, family or person I respect, love and care for.

Essentially, my body is the first and foremost partner I need to know about and be in love with – not someone else.

I also now know that the least we could do is value and appreciate every cell in our body. These cells understand what our mind can’t grasp. Nothing escapes their attention.

“..whereas the mind can deceive, be deceived, get confused, or misinterpret, the body cannot lie. Its response to past trauma or present danger is infallible. The body is the messenger of our intuition. Its job is to wake us up – to alert us to a present or pending threat or correctly interpret past trauma.”

Peter Calhoun

If you can listen to your iPod, radio or iTunes, you can easily listen to your body. If you have the time and energy to wear headphones and listen to music, there is no reason for you to not listen to the messages your body is giving off.

All you need to do is be aware of the fact that your body is always looking out for your best interest.

For ways on how to listen and heed what your body is telling you – I will be giving away a free ebook: ‘Tools I Used to Leave, Heal and Recover from a Pseudo-Love Relationship” very soon.

Photo Credit: LaVladina via Photopin cc

A love letter to all who’ve pseudo-loved before

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Dear (Place your Name here),

I pray you’re feeling better now.

Though I know that me saying this to you seems meaningless considering the pain and trauma you are feeling now,

you also know deep in your heart of hearts that being in the relationship you were in is akin to you crossing a bridge despite CLEAR WARNING SIGNS that doing so would cause death.

And now you feel intense regret, anger for doing so.

The feeling of despair, sadness, remorse, shame is so powerful you cannot shake it off your mind, your body, your heart.

It is as if you’re trapped in a fog and everywhere you look, everywhere you go you can only see and feel pain.

You feel like a walking wound – not wounded. You feel like a wound.

You do not feel like a person.

You feel like you’ve been dumped on, used, abused, violated, lied to, manipulated, betrayed.

You feel you are a victim.

You do not know what to do.

All you want to do right now is cry.

Then,

go cry,

go sob,

go gasp.

Cry and wail from your gut.

Let your tears flow, let your snot go.

Beat your pillows. Go anywhere you can do all these freely and away from the eyes and ears of people who might worry that you’re losing your mind.

You have lost your mind saying yes to that relationship, now you’re just getting it back.

You’re getting yourself back. You’re also getting your spirit back. But you need to clear the grief and anger from your body first.

Feel free to be sad, be mad. Be all of the above.

If all you want to do right now is shout,

go shout.

Go scream.

Let it all out.

Scream from the top of your lungs.

Then maybe, if you listen to yourself hard enough, you’ll hear yourself say, “I had a hand in it.”

If you look at yourself hard enough, you’ll see how you walked yourself to the place where you are now.

And your regret dissolves.

You become kind to yourself.

You see the gift in the pain.

You see, feel, realize that you have received a priceless treasure.

You have been given YOU.

You’ve been shown the ways,

you have lived the ways of how to NOT love you.

You have been given the gift of your Self.

You now know what to do to LOVE YOU more – the AUTHENTIC YOU – not the You created in your mind, not the You others have created in their minds, not the You which you think You should be.

The YOU just as YOU are.

You now recognize the You who didn’t know any better, the You who was working at the level you knew – the level you were used to or grew up into; the level you think you should be in; the level others before you were also in and so you thought you should also be into because you believed that is what you’re supposed to do.

Your pain is now telling you to LOVE yourself more.

Go look at yourself in the mirror.

Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself.

Look at your eyes and

tell yourself, “I love you,”

and

“I’m sorry.”

Mean it. You know you do.

How does it feel to now realize that the boyfriend/partner/lover who said “I love you” really didnt?

How does it feel to now know that he couldn’t love you?

How could you choose someone to love you when you didn’t even love your self?

Now that you know that you didn’t love yourself, how could you love others too?

Do you now know that you were in pseudo-love with him as much as he was with you?

And no, love is not giving until it hurts.

Giving is giving. It is not loving.

Helping is helping. It is not loving.

Love is simply loving.

There is no requirement to love. It just is. It does not expect.

Love is not a business transaction. Love is not giving X because you were provided Y.

Love is not doing Z because you were made to feel X.

Love is not giving yourself crumbs and offering the entire cake to others.

“Leave a little love for yourself.” is not a loving thing to say or do to yourself.

If you leave crumbs for yourself, you can only give crumbs to others.

Love yourself enough to enjoy the cake. You can only share to others what you yourself have.

You also now know that a decent / mature person – no matter how much codependent / generous / willing you are to give too much of yourself / to allow yourself to get hurt / how poor your self-boundaries are – does not take advantage of your vulnerability/ does not get abusive / disrespectful / cruel.

You also now know that however painful, gut-wrenching, wounding everything is,

your soul is safe.

You have crossed the bridge

and You are alive.

Celebrate that too.

Do you know how beautiful You are?

I think not, my dear.

For as you talk of God,

I see great parades with wildly colorful bands

Streaming from your mind and heart,

Carrying wonderful and secret messages

To every corner of this world.

I see saints bowing in the mountains

Hundreds of miles away

To the wonder of sounds

That break into light

From your most common words.

Hafiz – via Tosha silver

Narcissism and Codependence are Made For Each Other

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If my ex was a narcissist, what was I?

This question came up when I was in the midst of all these information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

It seemed inevitable to ask what it was about me that made someone who has this personality disorder be `attracted’ to me?

Also, it seemed incomplete – now that I have found the truth about my ex – if I didn’t find out the truth about myself.

Reading my journal from more than a decade ago revealed cringing details about how I looked at and devalued my self.

I thought of myself as “inferior.” I felt so insecure, I thought I looked “stupid,” “I hated myself” and even judged myself as “totally irrelevant.”

At 20, I felt so desperate for a relationship and was lonely. I felt no one could like me.

My negative self-beliefs trumped the hard truths I couldn’t see: that I am worthy, I am lovable, I am beautiful – I just didn’t believe I was.

From my journal entries I realized the following truths:

I had low self-esteem
I talked derogatorily towards myself
I hated myself
I was too hard on myself
I was mean to myself before my ex ever was
I idealized my ex
I saw my ex as I wanted to see him and not as what he really was
I dismissed my feelings of doubt and ambivalence about the relationship

Could I have attracted someone who thought and felt the same way I thought and felt about myself?

Was my ex attracted to me because he sensed my insecurity and knew he could manipulate this to his advantage?

Was I disrespectful towards my ex by idealizing him?

Was I being self-disrespectful by being too hard on myself? By calling myself stupid? By talking down on myself?

Was I dishonoring my own opinions, dismissing my own thoughts when I didn’t pay attention to the doubts I sensed about my ex and the relationship?

Along with my research about Narcissism, I also encountered the term Codependent and Inverted Narcissist.

In Sam Vaknin’s site, he defines codependents as:

Codependents

People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding, and submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the “relationship” with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them – they remain in the relationship. By eagerly becoming victims, codependents seek to control their abusers.

Inverted Narcissist

Also called “covert narcissist”, this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist.

To “qualify” as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an “inverted narcissist”.

Melanie Tonia Evans, in her online radio show at BlogTalk Radio, describes Codependence and Narcissism and how these seem to go hand in hand.

Melanie Tonia discusses Narcissism and Co-dependence

Listen to internet radio with Empowered Love Radio on Blog Talk Radio

Melanie Tonia Evans’ website also offers a self-test questionnaire to assess how much codependent one is. Go to http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/codependency-issues.htm

In the book Co-Dependence Healing the Human Condition by Charles L Whitfield, M.D. the following are a few definitions of Co-Dependence:

A multidimensional (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) condition manifested by any suffering and dysfunction that is associated with or due to focusing on the needs and behavior of others. It may be mild to severe and most people have it. It can mimic, be associated with and aggravate many physical, psychological and spiritual conditions. It develops from turning the responsibility for our life and happiness over to our ego (false self) and to others. It is treatable and recovery is possible.

An exaggerated dependent pattern of learned behaviors, beliefs and feelings that make life painful. It is a dependence on people and things outside the self, along with neglect of the self to the point of having little self-identity.

A stress-induced preoccupation with another’s life, leading to mal-adaptive behavior.

Those self-defeating learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate, or participate in, loving relationships.

A person who has let someone else’s behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling other people’s behavior.

Individuals who organize their lives – decision-making, perceptions, beliefs, values – around someone or something else.

A disease wherein a person has difficulty: experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem; setting functional boundaries; owning and expressing their own reality; taking care of their adult needs and wants; experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.

A pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and a sense of identity. Recovery is possible.

A stressful learned behavior associated with an unhealthy focus on the needs of others and/or attempting to take responsibility for or control the thoughts, feelings or behavior of others..motivated by a need for safety, acceptance amd self-worth.

A learned behavior, expressed by dependencies on people and things outside the self; these dependencies include neglecting and diminishing of one’s own identity. The false self that emerges is often expressed through compulsive habits, addictions and other disorders that further increase alienation from the person’s true identity, fostering a sense of shame.

A maladaptive bonding within a family system. To survive psychologically and socially in this dysfunctional family, the child adopts patterns of thinking, acting and feeling that at first dull the pain but finally are self-negating in themselves. These patterns become internalized and form an essential part of the personality and world view of the individual. The child continues to practice these self-destructive patterns of thinking, behaving and feeling in adulthood and in so doing recreates over and over again the bonding in which the destructive patterns originated.

A particular form of unconscious loving..an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns..an unconscious conspiracy between two or more people to feel bad and limit each other’s potential, (wherein) the freedom of each is limited. Inequality is a hallmark.

An often-fatal disease of emotional confusion, marked by severe alienation from one’s own feelings. Living for and through others, due to the inadequate development of self-love as a true basis for loving others. Variously defined as: the addiction to living for others at the expense of one’s own development; the substitution of adaptation for honest self-expression; the vicious cycle of using and blaming that arises when we make others responsible for what we feel and do; the mechanism of control / controlling that locks people into futile dependencies and impossible demands; abuse and discontinuing disguised in the attitudes and gestures of love, loyalty, devotion, caretaking, people pleasing. Any combination of the above.

A spiritual condition, the shadow side of our love nature..a “dis-ease” of unequal relationships being acted out, of giving our power away.

Was I codependent?

I did depend on my ex for my emotional gratification and felt that he could complete me. I also felt I was nothing without his presence in my life.

I did stay in the relationship despite the overt and covert abuse I experienced all the while hoping he’d change, `fess up or be accountable – but he never did.

I did crave to be in a relationship with my ex regardless of the abuse he inflicted. At that time, I was afraid that if I left my ex, I’d be in a similar abusive relationship with someone else so I thought the devil I knew was better than the devil I didn’t.

I was also ambivalent in leaving the relationship yet was also unsure if I wanted to stay. I was afraid to be alone but I was also afraid to be out in the world on my own.

I depended on my ex to make me happy, to make me feel good.

I focused on how to help heal him but not how to help heal my Self.

I wanted to make him stop hurting me but I did nothing to stop myself from wanting to be with him.

I admit, yes I was codependent.

I acknowledge that I wanted to love and be loved. I realize that all human beings want to love and be loved but this should not trump self-safety and security. Abandoning my self for the sake of saving the relationship and for the sake of keeping my attachment towards my ex was not authentically loving myself and was therefore an unhealthy way to `love.’

Essentially, it was not love at all but pseudo-love.

It was not love that kept me from leaving – it was my addiction towards the relationship; it was my need to make him accountable; it was my desire for him to change; it was my desire for him to love me the way I wanted him to love me.

It was my beliefs and expectations that things can be better if I tried hard enough; it was my fears of being alone and facing the unknown that kept me in the relationship, not love.

I also had an unhealthy sense of self. I was too hard on myself. I didn’t acknowledge my own needs, safety and self-worth that I was lead on easily to any machinations and manipulations I received from my narcissist-ex who knew how to use my weaknesses to his advantage.

I only had the strength to let go when I felt I’ve finally had enough. I had to ultimately decide not to allow him to hurt me anymore. No more.

When I did let go, I realized that I needed to love myself authentically before anyone else could.

Admitting I was codependent was remarkably empowering. Though acknowledging it for the very first time was tremendously gut-wrenching.

Yet, knowing that my thoughts, actions, beliefs and perception towards my self conveniently fell under the traits of codependence helped me to be aware of how much I devalued my self, how I undervalued my worth, how I constantly looked outside to fill my feelings of lack, how I didn’t appreciate my self (no matter how much good qualities I have).

Admitting I was codependent made me mindful of how much I needed to take care of my Self for my own sake. It was only then that I realized how much I took myself for granted and how much I dismissed my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own value.

Knowledge about codependence also made me understand the fact that, if I allowed my ex to do all those things to me, imagine all the good things I can do FOR me.

Being aware and knowing that I had a hand in my situation, and that I am accountable for my actions and feelings gave me the freedom to be kind and compassionate towards my Self.

Honestly, it is scary not having anyone or anything to blame or put my dysfunctions on yet it is also liberating. It made me step up to the plate knowing and feeling that what I have I must take care of, who I am I must value, what I do I must be responsible for.

Knowing I was codependent was not a death sentence. It helped me look at myself honestly. It also forced me to treat myself better and to Love myself the way I should have long before.

Do you think you’re codependent too?

Being codependent is not something you need to feel ashamed of. It is something you simply have to be aware of.

Once you are aware of your less-than feelings about your self or any codependent traits you possess, you give yourself permission to bring these to the light of your understanding.

Doing this gives you the power to choose whether you should continue being codependent or not. Ultimately, you then realize how taking care of YOU will always be for your best interest and that you can never go wrong once you begin loving your self authentically.

“You will never be truly free if you must depend on another for verification of who you are.” Frank Kinslow

Coming Soon:Know more of what codependents say and do, better yet find out if the codependent is you Ebook.

Photo Credit: Flavia Brandi via Photopin cc

“Heal,” “Forgive,” “Move On” — But HOW?!

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“Don’t be sad.”

“Stop crying.”

“Forget him.”

“Love yourself.”

These were few of the suggestions I heard from well-meaning people, friends and family when they learned that the relationship I had with my narc-ex ended.

These are also the usual advice anyone could read from self-help books and relationship sites.

Though doing all these are indeed helpful, the most important detail left out is the “How?”

“How can I not be sad when I am?!”

“How can I stop crying when I can’t help it?”

“How can I forget him when memories of him would just pop in my head along with the hurts and abuses he inflicted?!”

“How can I love myself when it’s easier to hate myself for falling in ‘love’ with someone who just pretended to love me?”

“How can I not blame him when he made me feel like hell?!”

“How can I let go?”

No Contact was a very big step to reclaim my sanity and save myself but it was only half the battle.

I truly had to move on and free myself from the painful memories. I also had to shake off my fears and anxieties. I had to stop feeling weak and vulnerable. I had to make myself NOT fall for abusive men.

But how?!

I didn’t know what to do.

I wished I could get past all my pain and not be affected by details which reminded me of the traumatic relationship I was in.

I wished the intrusive memories and ruminating thoughts of the abusive events would stop.

I wished my physical reactions (such as tense muscles, difficulty breathing, heart-pounding) would stop when I am reminded of the hurts I experienced.

I wished I could bring back my zest in life.

I wished I had passion, energy and enthusiasm for activities I used to love to do.

I wished I no longer felt despair and hopelessness about my life and my future.

I wished I could sleep well at night.

I wished my outbursts of anger would stop.

I wished I wasn’t afraid of speaking with men again.

I wished I was no longer easily startled, scared, anxious and jumpy.

I wished I’d stop feeling guilty.

I wished I’d stop blaming myself.

I wished I could trust other people again.

I had to ask: Is it possible to totally heal?

My question lead me to discover people and tools that helped my healing and recovery possible.

The following are few of the tools I used to help me heal and recover:

1 Melanie Tonia Evans’ Quanta Freedom Healing

Quanta Freedom Healing was the emotional first aid kit my heart and body needed at the time it was suffering from severe emotional and energetic beating.

Experiencing these sessions helped me reconnect with my body. It helped me fully FEEL my emotions as well as parts of myself I was still denying. I was also able to face my pains and bring them to my attention.

Her specific Quanta Freedom Healing sessions for narcissistic abuse – the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – further targeted specific issues I was still holding onto and which were major concerns for me.

These feelings included my guilt, shame, self-blame, self-anger, my need for closure / revenge, fear of what the narc can do and all the what-if’s that were still swirling in my head and heart.

I recommend QFH and N.A.R.P to help you process all INTENSE emotions of sadness, anger, grief, regret, resentment and even hate. It brings all these to your awareness, helping you face them, feel them and be in its space enough for you to completely release these all from your system.

After I went through the Quanta Freedom healing sessions, any memories which came up about my narc-ex no longer had an emotional charge (there were no anger, sadness, pain).

Instead, my painful experience was something I can point at and identify. I could separate myself from it and hold it to the light without being emotionally or physically affected by it.

Also, my body literally felt light. When I spoke, my chest felt light. My head felt light. My neck felt light. Even my TMJ disorder disappeared.

I also stopped bingeing on food. I could sleep well at night and in regular hours too. My heartburn symptoms also decreased.

Quanta Freedom Healing helped clear away all my muck. It helped me be aware of my body, respect my body, be in my body and focus on the NOW and this MOMENT.

Through Quanta Freedom Healing I also discovered the importance of working on myself continuously and consistently.

Quanta Freedom Healing made the process of accepting my self (dysfunctions and all), LOVING and RESPECTING myself easier and NATURAL.

I also became aware of any less-than thoughts I have towards myself.

Below is a free QFH healing session on Melanie Tonia Evans’ show on Blog Talk Radio. You need not believe what I say because you can easily experience it yourself.

Listen to internet radio with Empowered Love Radio on Blog Talk Radio

2 Frank Kinslow’s Quantum Entrainment

I discovered Quantum Entrainment thru Hayhouse Radio.

Quantum Entrainment “is a completely natural technique that produces immediate healing and harmony in body, mind, and spirit. It is a complete system with proven results that you can use to increase confidence, creativity, abundance and happiness.”

Developed by Dr. Frank Kinslow, the best way to explain Quantum Entrainment is in terms of rest.

“Rest is the universal healer. The deeper the rest the deeper the healing. When one does Quantum Entrainment they experience the deepest rest possible, deeper even than deep sleep. This very deep rest results in a very deep healing in seconds to minutes. It does not require any special talent or training because this kind of healing is natural for anyone once they realize it.”

QE is another tool that helped my body heal. It allowed my body to deeply relax. It also helped me to become resistant to stress – be it mental, emotional or psychological.

Upon continually doing Quantum Entrainment as well as other techniques under the Kinslow System, which could be downloaded for free as an MP3 at http://www.kinslowsystem.com/learn.html, I began to notice and feel changes in me.

I experienced a balance and stillness. I also felt less affected by events. I am aware of them happening without being too emotionally attached to them.

I also felt less fearful, anxious. I also felt that my boundaries got stronger. Negative remarks I hear from people rolled off from me as if they were dust. Negative actions, remarks or thoughts from people didn’t have a tremendous impact on me nor was I affected by it.

I felt no need to participate in any argument. Yet I saw myself spontaneously able to stand up for myself naturally and with no effort.

Thanks to Quantum Entrainment, I was able to be `in the moment’ and completely understand what that meant as I was able to experience being in it.

I also felt light and more open to things. I was not thinking or worrying. My steps were slower, relaxed, unhurried yet focused and firm. I also found myself feeling refreshed and energized.

3 Cry your heart and guts out

Crying from my gut with deep, deep guttural gasps and sobs – along with tears and snots – helped my body release all the emotions, hurt and pain it was carrying. It’s not a pretty sight but after releasing these emotions, the left part of my body felt light.

Beating the pillows, shouting, screaming or whatever way you can express your emotions in a healthy and safe manner is helpful.

“When a woman is having panic attacks or crying spells, I know that some emotional material is coming to the surface to be processed. To observers who haven’t experienced deep process (or emotional release), she may appear to be “losing it,” “going off the deep end,” or “getting out of control.” She is not “out of control,” however; she is simply allowing a healing process to arise within the body.”

Dr. Christiane Northrup (Ob-Gyn and author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom)

4 Write a letter

I wrote a letter to my narc-ex. For me, the letter was one of the things I had to do during the final phase of my healing and recovery.

Feel free to write a similar letter immediately after you have broken up or if you are struggling to move on. Write one now if you feel like you need to.

It is a letter that is not supposed to be sent. Its purpose is to allow you to say anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to.

It is you giving yourself closure as narcissists are incapable of ever giving anyone closure.

Though the letter I wrote was addressed to my ex, it was a letter I had to write for my heart’s sake. It was not meant for his eyes. It was meant for my soul’s voice.

It was I pouring out what I needed to say.

Tosha Silver, author of the book Outrageous Openness, advised:

“..Write with complete abandon, without restraint or editing. Swear, scream, defame, whatever. Don’t stop until you’re really done.”

After I wrote the letter, I burned it. I burned the letter and saw the smoke as a symbol of me surrendering my experience to the universe. It also symbolized the completion of my contract with my narc-ex and the end of the unhealthy dynamic of our relationship.

It also represented the fact that I will no longer be allowing my self to participate or go through any unhealthy dynamic with anyone; and that I respect and Love my Self enough to not undermine my worth.

5 Wounds need a witness

“The healing process requires that our wounds be acknowledged by another person in order for our psyche and spirit to initiate the process of release. This need is so critical to the healing process that it should rightly be thought of as a ritual and indeed treated as such. Further, the role of the individual listening to the person revealing the wound should appropriately be recognized within the archetype as the Witness. Many healings remain incomplete because – usually unconsciously – the setting of the ritual was not recognized or brought properly to closure.”

I felt this need even before I saw this quote from medial intuitive and writer Caroline Myss. However, it is important that the witness to the wound be non-judgmental and open. It also helps if both the witness and the wounded individual could authentically be in an empathetic space enough for the latter to share her thoughts and feelings with no fear.

Journaling and detailing aspects of the relationship helped me process the events, my experience as well as my emotions. Doing so similarly organized my thoughts.

My journal was my first witness.

It was also a tremendous help that the second major witness to my wounds were people who KNOW exactly what I was going through and who have gone through something similar and have learned from it; and is sharing their experiences and life lessons.

Below are helpful forums you can share your experience with as well as learn from.

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/

https://www.facebook.com/MelanieToniaEvans?__req=f

The important thing is to be in a space that provides no judgments, only golden nuggets of realizations about your Self and what you can do to further save yourself from despair and sadness with the help of others who have gone through a similar situation.

These are a few of the steps I did to heal and recover from a pseudo-love relationship. It is my intent that these steps will also help you authentically heal, move on, let go as well as be empowered to live and authentically love.

Photo Credit: Send me adrift via Photopin cc

PseudoLove

Category: Self-Awareness

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“Heal,” “Forgive,” “Move On” — But HOW?!

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