Though No Contact is the time to honor your space by leaving out the narcissist in your life, it is also the moment where they ramp up their efforts to hook you back in.
What narcs do to make you break No Contact:
- Narcissists know enough information about you to use these against you.
- Narcissists can use flattery.
- Narcissists could appeal to your guilt
- Narcissists could appeal to your need for romance
- They could appeal to your hope for a better life with him or that he will finally change.
- They could even take advantage of your inability to let go.
- They could also make you believe that your dreams can now finally come true.
- They could even “apologize” and express pseudo-“regret” or pseudo-“remorse.”
- They could play the pity card and claim they feel sick or they could use a personal tragedy to get you to offer comfort or sympathy
- They could use other people (proxies/third parties) to get a message through you
What you must remember and be always aware of:
1. All of the above are simply tactics, maneuvers and strategies to get you to make contact.
2. If your narcissist knows you are easily swayed by positive efforts, he will use these and push all your feel-good buttons.
3. A narcissist’s objective is to make you react. That is all.
4. All a narcissist needs is your attention – it is one of the initial supplies narcissists mine once they sense you are detaching from him.
5. Narcissists want to keep in contact with you not because they love you, it’s because they want control over you.
They want to use you. They don’t see you as a human being. You are their fix.
It is not about you being with them and finally cared for /attended to or “loved,” you are only there to do their bidding.
6. If they sense you are detaching and that you are taking steps to be on your own – independent from him – he will do all he could to keep you entangled and still dependent.
7. Narcissists could use intimidation and threats. These include threats to destroy your life, credibility or future via statements such as: “No man could ever find you worthy,” “No man would love you as much as I love you,” etc.
8. Narcissists could also feign sincerity, express simulated remorse or pseudo-admit accountability. They only do so when, according to Mel Tonia Evans, `they have hit rock bottom.’
Even if they have nothing to lose, their “apology” is never really an admission of accountability, guilt or remorse. It is only a ploy, a bluff to make you believe they are sorry or remorseful – but they never are.
This becomes obvious since their focus is on why they deserve to be forgiven.
Their focus is on themselves saying “sorry” and convincing you why they must receive your forgiveness, NOT on what they specifically did which they should be sorry for.
Their priority is themselves and not on you whom they have hurt. Plus, you are expected to accept their apology since, in their minds, they have now done the “right” thing.
“For some people, their sorry might be tailored to be personal– it depends on the narcissist and their victim.
Some apologies may offer specifics– even many specifics– but it will still generally lack any depth– you will feel YOUR emotions, you will not feel THEIR emotions.
It will come across as superficial when you factor out your own emotional involvement.
Its tone will also generally be “me-centric”, rather than being about the person being apologized to or from their perspective, because narcissists have difficulty taking on the perspective of someone who is not them.
It will usually not involve an acceptance of real wrongs committed, and any personal responsibility will be self-centered and usually pretty superficial.
They’ll use words that appeal to your emotions to mask the superficial tone.
They make up for what’s missing with excessive or overly flowery language.
It’ll read more like a greeting card apology than something a real person would say when they mean it.
Apologies should demonstrate humility, shame (and guilt) if it’s genuine, it shouldn’t demonstrate desperation or poetry.”
“The vital points truly are it is only a pathological self that can operate in conscienceless ways with no ability to be remorseful and accountable.
Normal people can slip but if they do they take responsibility and have empathy for the damage their behaviour has caused, and they rebuild relationships rather than continuously destroying them.
Not later, as in days, weeks, months or years, and healthy people do not need to have it pointed out or ‘shown’ – they have enough inner resources to ‘know’ they have done the wrong thing, rather than twist it around to be denied, or projected as someone else’s fault.
The narcissistic level of accountability for their behaviour (if they ever finally do it) is also tainted with pathological behaviour. The ‘sorries’ are always followed by a ‘but’ which is generally pointing out your flaws, or an excuse, justification or some form of disowning the accountability.
The truth is narcs because of their disordered minds generally don’t think they have done anything wrong, because they cant access peripheral, they just don’t have the resources to not make it all about themself…”
9 The objective of the narcissist is to confuse or – as I would describe it – lay an egg or time bomb in your head hoping that once it hatches or explodes, you will come running back to him for help / support / a hug / a shoulder to cry on / or demand justice from him / accountability / fairness.
10 He will use anything and everything in his arsenal to hook you back in.
What you must do:
1 No matter what happens, DO NOT make contact
Months after I began No Contact, my ex managed to communicate to a common friend that `It was me he really loved and all I had to do was say yes to (marrying him) and things will change’ – this was despite the fact that my narc-ex was going to be married in a few months.
I did not make contact.
After some months, it was my mother who told me that my ex sent her a message on Yahoo chat where he explained he was marrying someone else because I refused to marry him.
I did not make contact.
After a few more months, he sent me a birthday greeting through email wishing me `God bless’ and that ‘all my dreams come true’ (with a subtly added jibe), “though they may sometimes seem lofty.”
I still did not make contact.
After years of not hearing from him as I have blocked him from my email accounts, my mother received an email from him on Christmas day detailing a personal tragedy in his life that prompted a general `apology’ for “everything he did or didn’t do.”
I still did not make contact.
Then a few days later on New Year’s Eve, I received a text message from my Insurance agent – whom my ex also knew. It was a forwarded message from my narc-ex asking my insurance agent to “Say hi” to me in his behalf.
I STILL DID NOT MAKE CONTACT.
DO NOT answer his calls.
DO NOT respond to his text messages.
DO NOT respond to his emails.
BLOCK his email, his phone number, etc.
BLOCK him from your life.
2 Remember: He doesn’t love you. He only wants to extract supply from you.
If you think his apology is sincere; if you think his claims that he will change is real and that you actually see positive changes in him, know that this is short-lived. This “change” only lasts until he knows you’re hooked. Once you are hooked, expect him to return back to his rage-filled, abusive, manipulative, controlling self.
I have made numerous failed attempts to establish NO CONTACT during the years of my relationship with my narc-ex. Always, I’d be taken in by his constant calls, his pleadings, his efforts to make me feel better, his apologies. Always, I’d forgive him. I’d always believed he’d change. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
When I broke up with him because of his being physically abusive, he promised he would never physically hurt me again. And he never did.
However, it was later on when I realized that his being abusive morphed into something I wasn’t able to detect as there were no longer physical bruises.
What I did feel was constant low-level anxiety, a feeling of constant worry and guilt.
I suffered from obsessive ruminating thoughts, I had difficulty sleeping, my body was in pain, I was overweight, I felt constantly weak, fatigued and run-down, I was always short of breath.
It turns out, he has been lying; he has been emotionally, mentally, psychologically manipulating/abusing me and telling lies about me to others the same way he has been telling lies to me about others.
I decided to no longer be his supply, regardless of how saccharine sweet and seemingly sincere his efforts are to “make it work.”
3 Know that he is not your knight in shining armor
No Contact is specially difficult during times when you feel emotionally vulnerable that you can’t help but think of him and the good things he did for you.
Be aware that this is you missing his FICTIONAL side. This is you craving for a relationship or love from a make-believe character.
The least he could do is give you pseudolove as well as pseudorescue you from the same predicament he put you in, but he only does this so he can put you back in the same merry-go-round of pain.
Do not allow yourself to be sucked in.
He is not your knight in shining armor.
He is not your rescuer.
He is the reason why you feel like hell.
He cannot solve the problems he himself caused. He could only add on more problems so you can temporarily forget the previous ones he made.
Once you make contact, your hurt and pain would multiply ten-fold. In my experience, my narc-ex was never accountable for the hurts he did or the lies he dished out when we were together so it was logically impossible for him to ever be accountable. It was therefore healthier for me to do No Contact.
4 Write it down / Talk it out / Go to forums
It is easy to doubt yourself during No Contact. There may be times you’d wonder if everything was all in your head.
You might also consider saving the relationship or meet up with your narcissist or just say `hi’ for `old time’s sake.’
If you find yourself entertaining these thoughts, write them down.
Journal them. Write down all your experiences with your narcissist.
Once you do, you will usually see patterns emerge which you weren’t aware of. You could even see how he has been pushing your buttons. You could even realize your own patterns and how you allowed yourself to enmesh in his web of poison.
Writing these down helps you organize any jumbled thoughts you have or at least purge them out from your system.
Start a Gratitude Notebook. List down the little or big things you are thankful for each day. Doing this helps center your attention to details you find positively meaningful. It also keeps your energy up and makes you look at the brighter side of life.
Start a Gratitude Notebook the first day, the first instance you do No Contact. It keeps you focused on maintaining No Contact and in healing your self.
It is also best to talk out your experiences with someone who understands and is non-judgmental of what you have gone through.
Go to forums and share your experience. Doing so helps you purge out your feelings while also learning from other people’s experience.
If there is no one you feel you could talk to, go to NPD forums. There you will see similar experiences of others. You can also learn from them as well as share your own story. A few of the forums you can go to are listed below.
The important thing is for you to have space that allows you to freely express yourself amongst people who understand and authentically empathize with you.
5 Focus on your healing
Continuing to do No Contact is effortlessly possible if this is complemented with tools to support your healing and recovery.
According to Melanie Tonia Evans, “it is so important as soon as possible to work on yourself emotionally – vibrationally so that you don’t feed fear, outrage and distress – which makes the onslaughts even more extreme.
Truly when we do become the vibrational inner creator of solidness, peace and detachment it is so interesting to see how powerless narcs become to affect or damage our life.”
Cleaning and clearing your self from the emotional muck of being used / abused / lied to / manipulated, is important.
This is the value of No Contact. It gives you breathing room to evolve.
It also removes any poison in your system. No Contact is the perfect time to empty yourself out and take in the new you.
Focusing on your healing and recovery is one of the critical benefits of No Contact. Do not take this for granted.
Act on these critical musts so you can avoid a narcissist’s poisonous influence.
No Contact is one small step to keep your Self safe, it is also a giant leap towards loving your Self and experiencing authentic freedom and empowerment.
This poem sums up the beauty of No Contact.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone
– Ernest Holmes (or Rev. Safire Rose, no one seems to know which)
From Tosha Silver’s Facebook page
Photo Credit: Peddhapati via Photopin cc