Category: Deception, Pseudolove

6 Ways Narcissistic Pseudolovers Are Like Bad Telemarketers & SPAM Emails

What do narcissistic pseudolovers, bad telemarketers and SPAM emails have in common?

All they care about is getting their needs met.

They don’t care about you.

If they do care, it is always in reference to what they can get out of you.

The business of getting a sale and delivering a spam message sadly follow the patterns of a narcissistic pseudolover’s pursuit of a potential “lover” or prospect.

The objective of a spam email is to make you part  with your hard-earned money by purchasing the product they are spamming you with. The large volume of messages are meant to make you feel overwhelmed enough to give in – either due to annoyance, pressure,or frustration.

They also hinge on the hope that the repeated spam messages will make you believe that you can withdraw $500,000,000 from a Nigerian bank or that your erectile dysfunction will be solved by a magic pill.

Telemarketers work the same way. Their objective is to make you say yes to what they’re offering. If you say “yes”, expect to surrender your credit card details and a large chunk of your credit card limit. They allay your worries by convincing you that “this is the right thing to do.” The worst part is that you believe them.

Narcissistic pseudolovers do all of the above and more. After you say yes to their offer, expect to be further spammed and offered with stuff that you will pay for with your life.

Their tactic is to woo you, overwhelm you with promises, and bite you in the rear – this after they have mined you of your resources, be it emotional, financial, physical, etc.

Below are 5 of their common ways. Be aware.

1 Their “Hello” Comes With An Agenda 

“Hello!” is the first investment narcissist pseudolovers make.

Hello gets their foot in the door.

Note this is not a simple hello.

It is a hello loaded with an underlying anxiety and desperate need to make a sell. At the same time, they are convincing you that making a sell is not their end goal (but in their pseudoheart of hearts they know it is).

Bad telemarketers dangle in your head the possibility of solving your problems if you buy their product. They want you to think that you need the product they’re selling, that you can’t live without it. That you’ll regret not having it. They’d say anything and everything to make you want it.

Narcissist pseudolovers say “Hello” with the underlying need to sell you the image of what they think you’ll like. They mold their image to something that will resonate with your needs, wants, beliefs, expectations.

They act immediately. They pounce on you. They want to get you while you’re still open to what they’ll say. They take advantage of this before any doubt creeps into your mind.

Their “Hello”, however congenial it may be, is a bait. It’s a hook to lure you to listen and pay more attention to what they’ll say and not on your own thoughts.

Their “Hello” is a ruse. They’ll use sleight of hand, fast talk, fireworks to impress you – or more appropriately – distract you from seeing who they really are.

Their greeting comes with an objective to take something from you by making you do what they want you to do while making you believe it is YOU who wanted to do it for them.

It is a maneuver they have tried and tested many times. Don’t make this work on you.

2 They’re Persistent For The Wrong Reason

Narcissistic pseudolovers – like bad telemarketers and spam emails – can’t/won’t accept your “No!”, no matter how much you say it out loud or no matter how many times you unsubscribe.

They are persistent not because they “love” you or they can’t live without you, or that your presence is a god-send. They are persistent because you have something they want to have.

Bad telemarketers are persistent not because patience is a virtue, it’s because they need you the same way an addict needs his fix.

Bad telemarketers are intense in their wooing because they know they can get something back – e. g. your hard-earned money, your body, your attention, your energy.

Similarly, SPAM emails don’t care if your inbox gets filled with junk. They only care that you receive their message – not once, not twice, not thrice, but always. Unsubscribing from one is futile because you involuntarily receive another, and another, and another.

SPAM emails pretend to care for your wants and needs (e.g. “Claim Your Money!”, “Get Meds For Free!”, “Pure Happiness Starts Here – Click On This Link!”)  The fact is, they only care that you open the SPAM email and buy what they are selling.

They’ll only listen to you if you have a question or a statement that follows the script they’ve memorized in their head. They disregard anything else you say that won’t lead to where they want you to go.

They only want you to go where they want you to go. What you want is not important.

They only want to get what they want. You have no say. They only want you to say “Yes” to everything they say.

Narcissistic pseudolovers woo the same way. They are persistent for the wrong reason. By “wrong”, I mean they are “selfish”. They are persistent for their own selfish reasons.

Narcissist pseudolovers care for themselves. If you see them care for you, they’re doing it to make you think they care. They’re only doing it to prop up their image. They’re not doing it for you.

They pseudocare for you because it makes them look good in your eyes.

Their persistence helps you think they won’t stop loving you. This is exactly their objective: to make you think they won’t stop loving you.

They don’t really love you.

They just want you to think they do. But this is so you won’t stop giving them what they want.

 

3 You Are Not A Person, You’re A Source Of Supply

A narcissistic pseudolover doesn’t see you as a person.

In their eyes, you are a supplier.

You are a supplier of attention, physical intimacy, money, or whatever the narcissistic pseudolover has deemed you worthy a supplier of.

You are not a person. You are a source to be mined.

Bad telemarketers, just like narcissist pseudolovers, show interest in you not because you’re interesting. It’s because you have something they want to have. They are interested in what they can mine from you.

They see you as a supplier of their wants and needs.

Eventually, you become their fix.

The same way an addict gets his fix, they obsess over you because they are afraid to lose (NOT you but) their fix.

If you think their pursuit of you is equal to their concern for you, you are wrong. Do not equate their fear of losing you as them caring about YOU.

They care about their fix, NOT you.

You are not part of the equation. Though you may seemingly be part of it, you are dispensable the instance another fix presents itself.

 

4   You are not a person, you’re a demographic

DEFINITION of ‘Demographics‘ Studies of a population based on factors such as age, race, sex, economic status, level of education, income level and employment, among others.

 

Narcissist pseudolovers want to know more about you because they want to know what makes you tick.

Their intent is to study you. They collect information about you the same way telemarketers collect information from their possible prospects. The end goal is to know enough about you so they will know how to better sell themselves to you as well as convince you.

When they know what makes you happy, sad, angry, and what you like / dislike, etc., they use these information to:

– manipulate you

– calibrate their actions enough to make you feel you’re in good hands

– give you what they want so it would be easier for them to get what they want from you

They show what you want to see. They become what you want them to be. But this is merely an image, a persona. They aren’t being real.

They research / find out what your needs and wants are. This is achieved by asking you directly, by observing what makes you happy/sad, by asking people who know you.

They gather all the information they want to get because this will make up the content of how they will present themselves. They want to present you with something you’re sure to like; something you can’t say no to; something you’re sure to buy.

Remember the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray’s character was stuck re-living the same day over and over again? There is a scene where he collects information from a woman, and later on uses these to get her to bed.

 

For some reason, Murray’s character is seemingly forever stuck in Groundhog Day limbo until he learns to be nice and not just act as if he was nice. He uses his days to woo Andie Macdowell’s character by collecting information which he uses to make himself attractive in her eyes. It was all an act though, albeit at times believable.

Narcissist pseudolovers calibrate their actions to fit your expectations and desires. Once you’re swayed or hooked, your mind becomes pliable to whatever thoughts they want you to think. Eventually, you begin to think like them or go out of your way to please them.

 

 

5    Narcissist pseudolovers convince rather than convey

“Liars want to convince rather than just convey.” – Joe Navarro

Narcissist pseudolovers convince you of their trustworthiness. They also expect you to believe it right this instant and at this moment.

They do their best to convince you hard and fast because they know they are not trustworthy.

They cannot fathom that trust needs to be earned, not displayed or waved in front of your face. They want you to immediately believe they’re trustworthy because they know they can’t put on an act forever or else their real selves will emerge – and they know you wouldn’t like their real selves.

In this scene from the Wolf of Wall Street – replace the man Leonardo di Caprio is talking to on the phone with a woman. Now, imagine that Di Caprio is asking her for a second date.

The person on the other end of the line is unsure, vacillating – and with good reason. He just can’t give all his hard-earned money to a virtual stranger over the phone, but he does.

They believably convince by using any and all tools in their arsenal, including deceit.

Plus, narcissist pseudolovers always want to get the upper hand. They don’t want to lose.

 

6 Narcissistic pseudolovers want what they want right NOW

Telemarketers want your answer the minute they give you their offer.

They don’t want you to think about it tomorrow/ later/ next week /next minute.

They want to hear your answer NOW.

They want you to make a decision NOW. Whether that decision is life-changing for you, who cares? They want to close the deal; they want you to say YES to their offer NOW.

Later is just too late.

They want what they want right now because you might see them for who they really are a minute later and you might change your mind.

Their real intention is to satisfy their needs, fulfill their wants.

Their real intention is to get you to do what they want.

They want you to do what they want WHEN they want it.

They want you to do what they want NOW.

Whether it’s something you really want to do, doesn’t matter at all.

They don’t want you to even consider your own wants thus their need for speed.

Before you get into the proper frame of mind to ask yourself if this is what you want to do, they up the ante by overwhelming your senses or bringing up your weaknesses enough to distract you. Your decision doesn’t count in the deal unless it would lead to their favor.

All you have to do is say YES – by YES it means saying NO to your gut knowledge; saying NO to your good sense.

 

Now that you know, what can you do?

Remember, narcissistic pseudolovers put up a “brand” of themselves they want to be known for. What they want to be known for depends on what you are looking for in a relationship.

What can you do to not be easily swayed? You can be immune from them if you are solid in your knowing of what you want & why you want what you want. This is a process. This is also extremely difficult.

You may find yourself falling into the same patterns and having the same feelings that would make you easily fall for their strategies.  At times, even if you are aware that you are being duped or that you’re going through the same unhealthy patterns, you can’t help but give in.

If this happens, be kind to – and don’t punish – yourself. Deal with your feelings and your decisions by accepting them. Own it. It may be that you still have a lot to learn. That’s okay. Learn what you can. Learn from your errors. Do better next time.

The most important thing is to have a solid intent to be better. Eventually, by continually doing, you will make better decisions that are best for your growth. Eventually, you  will make decisions based on the right intent.

 

Image Credit: The Blaze

 

What Narcissists Do to Make You Break No Contact and What You Must Do to Keep It

medium_9610022099

Though No Contact is the time to honor your space by leaving out the narcissist in your life, it is also the moment where they ramp up their efforts to hook you back in.

What narcs do to make you break No Contact:

  1.  Narcissists know enough information about you to use these against you.
  2.  Narcissists can use flattery.
  3. Narcissists could appeal to your guilt
  4. Narcissists could appeal to your need for romance
  5. They could appeal to your hope for a better life with him or that he will finally change.
  6. They could even take advantage of your inability to let go.
  7. They could also make you believe that your dreams can now finally come true.
  8. They could even “apologize” and express pseudo-“regret” or pseudo-“remorse.”
  9. They could play the pity card and claim they feel sick or they could use a personal tragedy to get you to offer comfort or sympathy
  10. They could use other people (proxies/third parties) to get a message through you

What you must remember and be always aware of:

 

1. All of the above are simply tactics, maneuvers and strategies to get you to make contact.

 

2. If your narcissist knows you are easily swayed by positive efforts, he will use these and push all your feel-good buttons.

 

3. A narcissist’s objective is to make you react. That is all.

 

4. All a narcissist needs is your attention – it is one of the initial supplies narcissists mine once they sense you are detaching from him.

 

5. Narcissists want to keep in contact with you not because they love you, it’s because they want control over you.

They want to use you. They don’t see you as a human being. You are their fix.

It is not about you being with them and finally cared for /attended to or “loved,” you are only there to do their bidding.

 

6. If they sense you are detaching and that you are taking steps to be on your own – independent from him – he will do all he could to keep you entangled and still dependent.

 

7. Narcissists could use intimidation and threats.  These include threats to destroy your life, credibility or future via statements such as: “No man could ever find you worthy,” “No man would love you as much as I love you,” etc.

 

8. Narcissists could also feign sincerity, express simulated remorse or pseudo-admit accountability. They only do so when, according to Mel Tonia Evans, `they have hit rock bottom.’

Even if they have nothing to lose, their “apology” is never really an admission of accountability, guilt or remorse. It is only a ploy, a bluff to make you believe they are sorry or remorseful – but they never are.

This becomes obvious since their focus is on why they deserve to be forgiven.

Their focus is on themselves saying “sorry” and convincing you why they must receive your forgiveness, NOT on what they specifically did which they should be sorry for.

Their priority is themselves and not on you whom they have hurt. Plus, you are expected to accept their apology since, in their minds, they have now done the “right” thing.

“For some people, their sorry might be tailored to be personal– it depends on the narcissist and their victim.

Some apologies may offer specifics– even many specifics– but it will still generally lack any depth– you will feel YOUR emotions, you will not feel THEIR emotions.

It will come across as superficial when you factor out your own emotional involvement.

Its tone will also generally be “me-centric”, rather than being about the person being apologized to or from their perspective, because narcissists have difficulty taking on the perspective of someone who is not them.

It will usually not involve an acceptance of real wrongs committed, and any personal responsibility will be self-centered and usually pretty superficial.

They’ll use words that appeal to your emotions to mask the superficial tone.

They make up for what’s missing with excessive or overly flowery language.

It’ll read more like a greeting card apology than something a real person would say when they mean it.

Apologies should demonstrate humility, shame (and guilt) if it’s genuine, it shouldn’t demonstrate desperation or poetry.”

Keith Dunnigan

 

“The vital points truly are it is only a pathological self that can operate in conscienceless ways with no ability to be remorseful and accountable.

Normal people can slip but if they do they take responsibility and have empathy for the damage their behaviour has caused, and they rebuild relationships rather than continuously destroying them.

Not later, as in days, weeks, months or years, and healthy people do not need to have it pointed out or ‘shown’ – they have enough inner resources to ‘know’ they have done the wrong thing, rather than twist it around to be denied, or projected as someone else’s fault.

The narcissistic level of accountability for their behaviour (if they ever finally do it) is also tainted with pathological behaviour. The ‘sorries’ are always followed by a ‘but’ which is generally pointing out your flaws, or an excuse, justification or some form of disowning the accountability.

The truth is narcs because of their disordered minds generally don’t think they have done anything wrong, because they cant access peripheral, they just don’t have the resources to not make it all about themself…”

Melanie Tonia Evans

 

9 The objective of the narcissist is to confuse or – as I would describe it – lay an egg or time bomb in your head hoping that once it hatches or explodes, you will come running back to him for help / support / a hug / a shoulder to cry on / or demand justice from him / accountability / fairness.

 

10 He will use anything and everything in his arsenal to hook you back in.

 

What you must do:

1 No matter what happens, DO NOT make contact

Months after I began No Contact, my ex managed to communicate to a common friend that `It was me he really loved and all I had to do was say yes to (marrying him) and things will change’ – this was despite the fact that my narc-ex was going to be married in a few months.

I did not make contact.

After some months, it was my mother who told me that my ex sent her a message on Yahoo chat where he explained he was marrying someone else because I refused to marry him.

I did not make contact.

After a few more months, he sent me a birthday greeting through email wishing me `God bless’ and that ‘all my dreams come true’ (with a subtly added jibe), “though they may sometimes seem lofty.”

I still did not make contact.

After years of not hearing from him as I have blocked him from my email accounts, my mother received an email from him on Christmas day detailing a personal tragedy in his life that prompted a general `apology’ for “everything he did or didn’t do.”

I still did not make contact.

Then a few days later on New Year’s Eve, I received a text message from my Insurance agent – whom my ex also knew. It was a forwarded message from my narc-ex asking my insurance agent to “Say hi” to me in his behalf.

I STILL DID NOT MAKE CONTACT.

DO NOT answer his calls.

DO NOT respond to his text messages.

DO NOT respond to his emails.

BLOCK his email, his phone number, etc.

BLOCK him from your life.

 

2  Remember: He doesn’t love you. He only wants to extract supply from you.

If you think his apology is sincere; if you think his claims that he will change is real and that you actually see positive changes in him, know that this is short-lived. This “change” only lasts until he knows you’re hooked. Once you are hooked, expect him to return back to his rage-filled, abusive, manipulative, controlling self.

I have made numerous failed attempts to establish NO CONTACT during the years of my relationship with my narc-ex. Always, I’d be taken in by his constant calls, his pleadings, his efforts to make me feel better, his apologies. Always, I’d forgive him. I’d always believed he’d change. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When I broke up with him because of his being physically abusive, he promised he would never physically hurt me again. And he never did.

However, it was later on when I realized that his being abusive morphed into something I wasn’t able to detect as there were no longer physical bruises.

What I did feel was constant low-level anxiety, a feeling of constant worry and guilt.

I suffered from obsessive ruminating thoughts, I had difficulty sleeping, my body was in pain, I was overweight, I felt constantly weak, fatigued and run-down, I was always short of breath.

It turns out, he has been lying; he has been emotionally, mentally, psychologically manipulating/abusing me and telling lies about me to others the same way he has been telling lies to me about others.

I decided to no longer be his supply, regardless of how saccharine sweet and seemingly sincere his efforts are to “make it work.”

 

3  Know that he is not your knight in shining armor

No Contact is specially difficult during times when you feel emotionally vulnerable that you can’t help but think of him and the good things he did for you.

Be aware that this is you missing his FICTIONAL side.  This is you craving for a relationship or love from a make-believe character.

The least he could do is give you pseudolove as well as pseudorescue you from the same predicament he put you in, but he only does this so he can put you back in the same merry-go-round of pain.

Do not allow yourself to be sucked in.

He is not your knight in shining armor.

He is not your rescuer.

He is the reason why you feel like hell.

He cannot solve the problems he himself caused. He could only add on more problems so you can temporarily forget the previous ones he made.

Once you make contact, your hurt and pain would multiply ten-fold.  In my experience, my narc-ex was never accountable for the hurts he did or the lies he dished out when we were together so it was logically impossible for him to ever be accountable. It was therefore healthier for me to do No Contact.

 

4  Write it down / Talk it out / Go to forums

It is easy to doubt yourself during No Contact.  There may be times you’d wonder if everything was all in your head.

You might also consider saving the relationship or meet up with your narcissist or just say `hi’ for `old time’s sake.’

If you find yourself entertaining these thoughts, write them down.

Journal them. Write down all your experiences with your narcissist.

Once you do, you will usually see patterns emerge which you weren’t aware of. You could even see how he has been pushing your buttons. You could even realize your own patterns and how you allowed yourself to enmesh in his web of poison.

Writing these down helps you organize any jumbled thoughts you have or at least purge them out from your system.

Start a Gratitude Notebook. List down the little or big things you are thankful for each day. Doing this helps center your attention to details you find positively meaningful. It also keeps your energy up and makes you look at the brighter side of life.

Start a Gratitude Notebook the first day, the first instance you do No Contact. It keeps you focused on maintaining No Contact and in healing your self.

It is also best to talk out your experiences with someone who understands and is non-judgmental of what you have gone through.

Go to forums and share your experience. Doing so helps you purge out your feelings while also learning from other people’s experience.

If there is no one you feel you could talk to, go to NPD forums. There you will see similar experiences of others. You can also learn from them as well as share your own story. A few of the forums you can go to are listed below.

http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/all-about-him

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/

https://www.facebook.com/MelanieToniaEvans?__req=f

The important thing is for you to have space that allows you to freely express yourself amongst people who understand and authentically empathize with you.

 

5   Focus on your healing

Continuing to do No Contact is effortlessly possible if this is complemented with tools to support your healing and recovery.

According to Melanie Tonia Evans, it is so important as soon as possible to work on yourself emotionally – vibrationally so that you don’t feed fear, outrage and distress – which makes the onslaughts even more extreme.

Truly when we do become the vibrational inner creator of solidness, peace and detachment it is so interesting to see how powerless narcs become to affect or damage our life.”

 

Cleaning and clearing your self from the emotional muck of being used / abused / lied to / manipulated, is important.

This is the value of No Contact. It gives you breathing room to evolve.

It also removes any poison in your system. No Contact is the perfect time to empty yourself out and take in the new you.

Focusing on your healing and recovery is one of the critical benefits of No Contact. Do not take this for granted.

Act on these critical musts so you can avoid a narcissist’s poisonous influence.

No Contact is one small step to keep your Self safe, it is also a giant leap towards loving your Self and experiencing authentic freedom and empowerment.

 

This poem sums up the beauty of No Contact.

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do

it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

 She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

 She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

 She didn’t call the prayer line.

 She didn’t utter one word.

 She just let go.

 No one was around when it happened.

 There was no applause or congratulations.

 No one thanked her or praised her.

 No one noticed a thing.

 Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

 There was no effort.

 There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

 In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone

forevermore…

–   Ernest Holmes (or Rev. Safire Rose, no one seems to know which)

From Tosha Silver’s Facebook page

 

Photo Credit: Peddhapati via Photopin cc

 

© 2019 PseudoLove

Developed&Designed by Hourizon WebUp ↑