Thank you for helping me feel that I did the right thing by creating this website.
My intent when I created this site is to help everyone, specially women, honestly identify and be aware of their motivations specially when they are in / or choose to stay in a pseudolove relationship.
My intent is to help everyone, specially women, be strong enough to heart-felt-fully decide to leave and end the pseudolove relationship they are in.
My intent is to help everyone, specially women, heal from the pain of being in a pseudolove relationship via the healing tools
I personally used.
I also intended this site to stand on its own even with little updates from me. I thought that the content and resources I so far posted were enough to help answer questions, or lead readers to resources that would help deal with any difficult feelings they have about themselves/their pseudolove relationship/their PTSD/or the process of healing.
Please forgive me.
I am sorry for not being able to regularly update this site’s blog.
I am sorry for not being able to respond to your personal emails and messages.
I am sorry for not being able to reply to messages sent via Contact Form. There was a glitch in this site’s Contact Form as I was able to receive messages sent from there but, for some reason, the sender’s email was not visible. I am sorry for not seeing it early on, and for belatedly fixing it.
My sincere sorry.
I am sorry for not getting back to this site and blog when I should have. I prioritized other tasks and life issues knowing that this site could still function and be of help on its own.
I haven’t posted on this blog for two years. I am sorry.
I busied and buried myself in work while trying to process my grief.
I neglected updating or checking this site.
Please be assured that I have now fixed any bugs this site has and will be continuously checking it.
The Contact Form is fixed. You can also email me at info@pseudolove.com and I will get back to you. I will be replying to those who have previously emailed. Again, my apologies.
I will also be posting regularly now.
Thank you so much for your understanding.
I wish you guys all the best,
Jen Dugena
(Image taken from: i.huffpost.com/gen/2847196/images/n-SORRY-large570.jpg)
What do narcissistic pseudolovers, bad telemarketers and SPAM emails have in common?
All they care about is getting their needs met.
They don’t care about you.
If they do care, it is always in reference to what they can get out of you.
The business of getting a sale and delivering a spam message sadly follow the patterns of a narcissistic pseudolover’s pursuit of a potential “lover” or prospect.
The objective of a spam email is to make you part with your hard-earned money by purchasing the product they are spamming you with. The large volume of messages are meant to make you feel overwhelmed enough to give in – either due to annoyance, pressure,or frustration.
They also hinge on the hope that the repeated spam messages will make you believe that you can withdraw $500,000,000 from a Nigerian bank or that your erectile dysfunction will be solved by a magic pill.
Telemarketers work the same way. Their objective is to make you say yes to what they’re offering. If you say “yes”, expect to surrender your credit card details and a large chunk of your credit card limit. They allay your worries by convincing you that “this is the right thing to do.” The worst part is that you believe them.
Narcissistic pseudolovers do all of the above and more. After you say yes to their offer, expect to be further spammed and offered with stuff that you will pay for with your life.
Their tactic is to woo you, overwhelm you with promises, and bite you in the rear – this after they have mined you of your resources, be it emotional, financial, physical, etc.
Below are 5 of their common ways. Be aware.
1 Their “Hello” Comes With An Agenda
“Hello!” is the first investment narcissist pseudolovers make.
Hello gets their foot in the door.
Note this is not a simple hello.
It is a hello loaded with an underlying anxiety and desperate need to make a sell. At the same time, they are convincing you that making a sell is not their end goal (but in their pseudoheart of hearts they know it is).
Bad telemarketers dangle in your head the possibility of solving your problems if you buy their product. They want you to think that you need the product they’re selling, that you can’t live without it. That you’ll regret not having it. They’d say anything and everything to make you want it.
Narcissist pseudolovers say “Hello” with the underlying need to sell you the image of what they think you’ll like. They mold their image to something that will resonate with your needs, wants, beliefs, expectations.
They act immediately. They pounce on you. They want to get you while you’re still open to what they’ll say. They take advantage of this before any doubt creeps into your mind.
Their “Hello”, however congenial it may be, is a bait. It’s a hook to lure you to listen and pay more attention to what they’ll say and not on your own thoughts.
Their “Hello” is a ruse. They’ll use sleight of hand, fast talk, fireworks to impress you – or more appropriately – distract you from seeing who they really are.
Their greeting comes with an objective to take something from you by making you do what they want you to do while making you believe it is YOU who wanted to do it for them.
It is a maneuver they have tried and tested many times. Don’t make this work on you.
2 They’re Persistent For The Wrong Reason
Narcissistic pseudolovers – like bad telemarketers and spam emails – can’t/won’t accept your “No!”, no matter how much you say it out loud or no matter how many times you unsubscribe.
They are persistent not because they “love” you or they can’t live without you, or that your presence is a god-send. They are persistent because you have something they want to have.
Bad telemarketers are persistent not because patience is a virtue, it’s because they need you the same way an addict needs his fix.
Bad telemarketers are intense in their wooing because they know they can get something back – e. g. your hard-earned money, your body, your attention, your energy.
Similarly, SPAM emails don’t care if your inbox gets filled with junk. They only care that you receive their message – not once, not twice, not thrice, but always. Unsubscribing from one is futile because you involuntarily receive another, and another, and another.
SPAM emails pretend to care for your wants and needs (e.g. “Claim Your Money!”, “Get Meds For Free!”, “Pure Happiness Starts Here – Click On This Link!”) The fact is, they only care that you open the SPAM email and buy what they are selling.
They’ll only listen to you if you have a question or a statement that follows the script they’ve memorized in their head. They disregard anything else you say that won’t lead to where they want you to go.
They only want you to go where they want you to go. What you want is not important.
They only want to get what they want. You have no say. They only want you to say “Yes” to everything they say.
Narcissistic pseudolovers woo the same way. They are persistent for the wrong reason. By “wrong”, I mean they are “selfish”. They are persistent for their own selfish reasons.
Narcissist pseudolovers care for themselves. If you see them care for you, they’re doing it to make you think they care. They’re only doing it to prop up their image. They’re not doing it for you.
They pseudocare for you because it makes them look good in your eyes.
Their persistence helps you think they won’t stop loving you. This is exactly their objective: to make you think they won’t stop loving you.
They don’t really love you.
They just want you to think they do. But this is so you won’t stop giving them what they want.
3 You Are Not A Person, You’re A Source Of Supply
A narcissistic pseudolover doesn’t see you as a person.
In their eyes, you are a supplier.
You are a supplier of attention, physical intimacy, money, or whatever the narcissistic pseudolover has deemed you worthy a supplier of.
You are not a person. You are a source to be mined.
Bad telemarketers, just like narcissist pseudolovers, show interest in you not because you’re interesting. It’s because you have something they want to have. They are interested in what they can mine from you.
They see you as a supplier of their wants and needs.
Eventually, you become their fix.
The same way an addict gets his fix, they obsess over you because they are afraid to lose (NOT you but) their fix.
If you think their pursuit of you is equal to their concern for you, you are wrong. Do not equate their fear of losing you as them caring about YOU.
They care about their fix, NOT you.
You are not part of the equation. Though you may seemingly be part of it, you are dispensable the instance another fix presents itself.
Narcissist pseudolovers want to know more about you because they want to know what makes you tick.
Their intent is to study you. They collect information about you the same way telemarketers collect information from their possible prospects. The end goal is to know enough about you so they will know how to better sell themselves to you as well as convince you.
When they know what makes you happy, sad, angry, and what you like / dislike, etc., they use these information to:
– manipulate you
– calibrate their actions enough to make you feel you’re in good hands
– give you what they want so it would be easier for them to get what they want from you
They show what you want to see. They become what you want them to be. But this is merely an image, a persona. They aren’t being real.
They research / find out what your needs and wants are. This is achieved by asking you directly, by observing what makes you happy/sad, by asking people who know you.
They gather all the information they want to get because this will make up the content of how they will present themselves. They want to present you with something you’re sure to like; something you can’t say no to; something you’re sure to buy.
Remember the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray’s character was stuck re-living the same day over and over again? There is a scene where he collects information from a woman, and later on uses these to get her to bed.
For some reason, Murray’s character is seemingly forever stuck in Groundhog Day limbo until he learns to be nice and not just act as if he was nice. He uses his days to woo Andie Macdowell’s character by collecting information which he uses to make himself attractive in her eyes. It was all an act though, albeit at times believable.
Narcissist pseudolovers calibrate their actions to fit your expectations and desires. Once you’re swayed or hooked, your mind becomes pliable to whatever thoughts they want you to think. Eventually, you begin to think like them or go out of your way to please them.
5 Narcissist pseudolovers convince rather than convey
“Liars want to convince rather than just convey.” – Joe Navarro
Narcissist pseudolovers convince you of their trustworthiness. They also expect you to believe it right this instant and at this moment.
They do their best to convince you hard and fast because they know they are not trustworthy.
They cannot fathom that trust needs to be earned, not displayed or waved in front of your face. They want you to immediately believe they’re trustworthy because they know they can’t put on an act forever or else their real selves will emerge – and they know you wouldn’t like their real selves.
In this scene from the Wolf of Wall Street – replace the man Leonardo di Caprio is talking to on the phone with a woman. Now, imagine that Di Caprio is asking her for a second date.
The person on the other end of the line is unsure, vacillating – and with good reason. He just can’t give all his hard-earned money to a virtual stranger over the phone, but he does.
They believably convince by using any and all tools in their arsenal, including deceit.
Plus, narcissist pseudolovers always want to get the upper hand. They don’t want to lose.
6 Narcissistic pseudolovers want what they want right NOW
Telemarketers want your answer the minute they give you their offer.
They don’t want you to think about it tomorrow/ later/ next week /next minute.
They want to hear your answer NOW.
They want you to make a decision NOW. Whether that decision is life-changing for you, who cares? They want to close the deal; they want you to say YES to their offer NOW.
Later is just too late.
They want what they want right now because you might see them for who they really are a minute later and you might change your mind.
Their real intention is to satisfy their needs, fulfill their wants.
Their real intention is to get you to do what they want.
They want you to do what they want WHEN they want it.
They want you to do what they want NOW.
Whether it’s something you really want to do, doesn’t matter at all.
They don’t want you to even consider your own wants thus their need for speed.
Before you get into the proper frame of mind to ask yourself if this is what you want to do, they up the ante by overwhelming your senses or bringing up your weaknesses enough to distract you. Your decision doesn’t count in the deal unless it would lead to their favor.
All you have to do is say YES – by YES it means saying NO to your gut knowledge; saying NO to your good sense.
Now that you know, what can you do?
Remember, narcissistic pseudolovers put up a “brand” of themselves they want to be known for. What they want to be known for depends on what you are looking for in a relationship.
What can you do to not be easily swayed? You can be immune from them if you are solid in your knowing of what you want & why you want what you want. This is a process. This is also extremely difficult.
You may find yourself falling into the same patterns and having the same feelings that would make you easily fall for their strategies. At times, even if you are aware that you are being duped or that you’re going through the same unhealthy patterns, you can’t help but give in.
If this happens, be kind to – and don’t punish – yourself. Deal with your feelings and your decisions by accepting them. Own it. It may be that you still have a lot to learn. That’s okay. Learn what you can. Learn from your errors. Do better next time.
The most important thing is to have a solid intent to be better. Eventually, by continually doing, you will make better decisions that are best for your growth. Eventually, you will make decisions based on the right intent.
He dutifully waits for you after work specially when you do 2-4 hours of overtime. Your colleagues always see him and they gush that he obviously is a devoted lover. You can’t help but agree.
He surprises you with a delivery of your favorite cake and a bouquet of flowers on the morning of your birthday. Your friends & family is pleasantly surprised at the gesture. All of them say: “He really loves you.”
He sees dirt on your leather shoe. He immediately kneels before you and wipes your shoe clean. People passing by give you an “Awww-isn’t-that-romantic” smile.
Are all of the above gestures of love?
The biggest lesson I learned after being in a narcissistic pseudolove relationship is this:
What one says or does is not of value.
What is essential is WHY they say what they say and
WHY they do what they do.
Does he wait for you every night after work because he cares for you or is it because he wants you to think he cares for you?
Does he give you a gift because he wants to make you happy or is it because he wants to be seen as a loving and generous partner?
Is he authentically sweet or is he merely acting sweet to make you and others believe he is.
Does he value his image and the perception of others more than the truth? Does he prioritize being thought of as loving and caring more than being authentically loving and caring?
Does he treat you differently in private than when both of you are out in public?
Have you seen two contradicting sides to his personality?
The narcissist-ex I was in a relationship with said and did things that made me think he loved me. I wasn’t alone with this belief. My family and friends thought the same way as they have seen him say and do things that made them conclude he cared.
It was years later after being out of the relationship did I realize that he said and did “loving” things not because he loved me. He only wanted me to think he loved me.
He showed and built an image to make family & friends think he was loving. He wasn’t. He was more concerned for his image than actually BEING loving.
It was all an act.
He said the right stuff and did the right things enough to convince me of his pseudolove.
Authentic love doesn’t convince.
Marketers, businessmen, sellers, advertisements make an effort to convince. Their job is to persuade potential customers of their product’s good qualities.
Truth simply conveys.
“Liars want to convince rather than just convey.” – Joe Navarro
Narcissistic Personality Disordered individuals are liars. They pretend their way through life and relationships.
They are actors playing the starring role in the movie inside their heads. People in their lives are merely extras, appendages or relegated to supporting roles. Being the star of their own movie, they only care about themselves. NPDs only consider others as essential if they support the idea/image the “star” wants to be known for.
NPDs act and say what you want to see and hear to get to your good side; so they can win you over; so you’ll be taken in.
NPDs are charmers.
The purpose of “loving” gestures NPDs GIVE out is for them to GET something back.
They give to get.
Their intent is to get Narcissistic Supply.
Their intent is to not make you happy; to not care for you. They only pseudocare & pseudolove you enough to make you think you are loved & cared for. Once you think these, you are open to giving NPDs the supply they need – be it attention, affection, your physical presence, your finances, etc.
I mistook my narcissist-ex pseudolover’s panic, tears, pleadings, promises to change and the 180-degree change in his behaviors as equivalent to his fear of losing me – which I thought meant that he therefore loved me.
I interpreted his positive behavioral changes as him exerting an effort to make himself and the relationship better. I was wrong. He was merely calibrating his behavior enough to make me believe that he was changing. Once I am again hooked on him or when I begin to open myself up to trust him again, (which also means supplying him with his needs and wants) he reverts back to his old narcissistic selfish self.
I functioned as a supplier to my supply-addicted narcissist ex-pseudolover.
I was too late for me to realize that the pseudolover I was in a relationship with did not see me as a lover or as a person. I was merely a supplier.
There was no love at all.
I also painfully realized that I similarly must SEE the intent behind my actions and words.
I also had to face the reasons WHY I say what I say, WHY I do what I do.
Besides the “loving” actions my narcissist-ex pseudolover presented me with, he also showed the dark and true side to his personality. He was abusive – physically, mentally, emotionally. But I dismissed all these and chose not to think of his abuses. I instead preferred to focus on his “loving” actions.
I denied the proof of his abuses, and of his narcissistic personality disorder.
I chose to believe that his abuses were something he didn’t mean to do; that he will change.
Despite all the glaring proofs, I sadly loved these beliefs more than the truth.
I held on to these beliefs and used them as a crutch to prop up my dreams of a happily ever after. I embraced my beliefs because I was afraid of the truth.
The truth was: I stayed in the relationship not because I loved him. It was because I had fears of being alone, of being out on my own.
I wanted to keep the image that we were happy, that he was perfect for me, that we were perfect for each other.
My greatest fear was that he didn’t love me and he was merely pretending. I didn’t want to face this fear so I held on to my hope and belief that he will change.
My motivation for my words and deeds were to keep myself from NOT facing my fears. Not facing my fears required that I deny them. Denying them meant I had to use my beliefs as a cover to not see or acknowledge my fears.
I forced away the facts to fit my beliefs.
I excluded the truth of my experience to keep my beliefs alive.
Doing all these almost cost me my life.
“Each of us has a tendency to define the local truth to be whatever feels good to our ego and boosts our self-esteem…We justify our actions, feelings, attitudes and beliefs & interpret events to support our needs, wants, desires & expectations.” – Tom Campbell, My Big TOE
Know your reason for doing what you’re doing.
Know why you’re saying what you’re saying.
Be honest with your answers.
Honesty is difficult specially when we prefer to see what we want to see. We all have blinders built in to shield us from aspects of ourselves we can’t face. Sometimes, it may take time to even acknowledge that we have blinders.
But if you have the intent to live in truth,slowly but surely you can get yourself to a place where you will eventually accept the lies you made yourself believe. Accepting that you lied to yourself is extremely difficult, but it is the first step to growth.
If you have the intent to get rid of your blinders but don’t know how, there are tools to make this process relatively easy.
(Please see the Tools & Resources I Used To Leave, Heal and Recover From a Pseudolove Relationship )
Honesty is necessary specially if you want to know if others are being honest with you.
You can easily discern honesty from others if you are honest with yourself.
Honesty is a process. Seeing the truth is different from totally accepting it. Though seeing it is a very important first step and is a giant leap towards growth.
Once you’ve accepted the truth and are honest with your motivations, you may feel pain at first. These are the birth pangs of the new you coming out. The hurt will be there but it is temporary.
Eventually, constantly and consistently living your truth will drive away complications from your life. You will evolve and you will take others along with you.
You will be free from pseudolove and you will give as well as receive authentic love.
The process is not easy, but once you have released yourself from pseudolove’s grip, it is 100% worth it.
We all inhabit our bodies but have you noticed how we pay little attention to it when it speaks, whispers or gives us a nudge about that nth cup of coffee we’re drinking, that pack of cigarettes we have consumed, or the 4-hour sleep we just had?
Are we simply too busy to take care of ourselves?
Do you listen to your body when it aches or do you get annoyed instead and make sure that any pain you feel is immediately quelled by medication, food, an entertaining distraction or even by a relationship?
When a pang of emotional pain comes up, do you feel into it or do you brush it away for maybe another day or two or more until you conveniently forget there was a twinge of feeling in the first place?
Or maybe you literally hurtle on and pretend that you haven’t felt or aren’t feeling anything at all?
I did all these and more. The end result was not a pretty sight or experience – though it was tremendously a learning one.
I finally listened to my body when I had no choice. When I did, it gave me all I needed to know about my choices, my life and my Self. All the answers to the questions I ever had were literally right under my nose, I just didn’t pay attention.
I had to learn the below lessons the hard way enough for me to know the following statements as truths:
1 Our body knows more than our head ever could
“We have to give our bodies credit for their innate wisdom. We also don’t need to know exactly why something is happening in our bodies in order to respond to it. You don’t need to know why your heart is racing or why you feel like crying. Understanding comes after you have allowed yourself to experience what you’re feeling.
Healing is an organic process that happens in the body as well as in the intellect. So if you are feeling “out of sorts” or “off balance,” just be with that feeling; allow it to come up. After you have allowed yourself to experience it, take a moment and go back over the events yourself to experience it, take a moment and go back over the events of the last few hours or days. If you are feeling ill or having symptoms, reflecting on recent events may give you a clue about what preceded the symptoms.”
Dr. Christiane Northrup, Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom p. 53
For years I dismissed, denied the messages my body was telling me. I didn’t pay attention to my gut feelings even when it was shouting at me to do so.
My head was blissfully unaware that my body was already showing signs of sadness, unexpressed anger, anxiety and misery that it gave me an ultimatum: deny to death the reality staring right in front of me OR live in the lightness of truth and freedom. I chose the former. As a result, I experienced a slew of physical problems that I shrugged off as inconveniences.
For instance, during the last three years of my being in a pseudolove relationship, my red blood cell count was below the normal; I had gastroesophageal reflux disease; I felt weak, fatigued and heavy during the afternoons; I was obese; I found it difficult to deeply inhale and exhale; I was always catching my breath; I had idiopathic urticaria which kept me up at night; I had insomnia; the entire left part of my body – from my head down to my feet – was in pain; I had TMJ dysfunction.
Psychologically, I felt fearful, anxious, I was constantly doubting myself. I had no energy for work.
I felt so unsure about my decisions and I was constantly questioning my choices. I snapped at anyone and everyone for trivial reasons. I’d cry for no reason. I was constantly afraid.
Little did I know that all these were signs my body was giving off. My body was forcing me to pay attention to the abuse and lies I was receiving from my narc-ex as well as the lies and denials I was telling myself.
When I finally faced and paid attention to my emotional issues, the physical symptoms I experienced dissolved.
My gastroesophageal reflux disease cleared when I did the healing work that helped me let go of my fears and admit my denials.
I was able to sleep soundly at night when I was able to name the dysfunction my narc-ex had as well as acknowledge my being codependent.
Acknowledging and accepting my flaws and mistakes were painful but doing so literally lightened my emotional and physical load.
The pain on the entire left side of my body literally lifted and dissolved when I cried my guts out. I was able to do deep, deep, deep breathing when I faced, acknowledged, experienced and went into my sadness and grief.
Doing all these helped me realize that my body was aching to get all these emotional toxins of abuse out of my system, it was only waiting for me to pay attention to it.
2 My head could stay in denial but my body couldn’t, no matter how hard I try.
“We deny because we’re built to see what we want to see.”
Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear
I was in denial about being in denial that it was impossible for me to see something that was right in front of me.
To be fair to my body, it was extremely patient. It tried its best to work with what I was giving it – or more appropriately what I was denying it. But the truth was simply too powerful to be disregarded.
Essentially, my convictions were simply too flimsy when held to the light of honesty. And my body made sure it let me know it wasn’t happy with my decisions.
Ultimately, living the truth saved my life, my heart and my soul. I was sincerely renewed by it. But the process was not easy. I was dismissing the truth for a long time because I was afraid it would be painful.
I was afraid I’d lose everything I held dear.
I was afraid I’d have nothing and I’d be back to square one.
I was afraid that I’d struggle, be unhappy and miserable.
I was also afraid of what everyone would think of me. I was terrified that all I worked hard for will be destroyed.
Guess what, all these things happened anyway BECAUSE I dismissed the truth; BECAUSE I didn’t follow my gut feelings.
I was actually already sad and miserable before I realized I was. Everything I was afraid to lose were everything I never had in the first place. I lost all the illusions my head was working overtime to build and maintain.
I also realized I was simply propping up the illusions I wanted to believe.
There are simple and easy ways to listen and heed what your body is telling you.
All you have to do is be open to its mutterings and pay attention. You don’t need to do anything big or dramatic.
Start from where you are right now.
What are you doing?
What are you feeling?
Is there something in this post or this site that resonates with you?
Notice how you’re breathing.
Are any thoughts coming up right now? If there are, observe them. Watch them.
Be aware of your whole body right now.
Be aware of your eyes looking at the computer screen or while reading these words.
Be aware of your hands. Where are they? What are they doing?
Be aware of your fingers.
Be aware of your feet. Feel where they are stepping on.
Be aware of your toes.
These are simple, fast and easy ways to connect with your body.
Another way is to stand in front of the mirror and look at your face.
Look at your eyes and say, “I love you.”
Look at your nose and say, “I love you.”
Look at your lips and say, “I love you.”
Look at the space between your nose and lips then say, “I love you.”
Look at your chin and say, “I love you.”
Look at your cheeks and say, “I love you.”
Look at your forehead and say, “I love you.”
Look at the space between your eyes and eyebrow and say, “I love you.”
Now, what do you feel? Sure, these may be cheesy or corny but what have you got to lose by not doing these? All you need to do is be aware.
Let your feelings out if you need to. Simply allow it and be with it.
Your head may lie and deny, but your body can’t.
“The body never lies.”
Christiane Northrup, M.D.
3 The body has a mind of its own, and it’s not in the brain, it’s in the gut.
Some call this intuition. Some call this gut feel.
In the medical field, the gut is referred to as the second brain. It is `equipped with its own reflexes and senses. Its behavior is independent from the brain.’
Japanese Samurais call the space two inches below the navel as Hara. Samurais are taught early on to focus on this space before they go to a fight. Putting attention on the Hara allows them to fight intuitively and be aware of things they couldn’t wrap their head around.
For years I had doubts and misgivings about my narc-ex. The first time I saw him – without knowing anything about him or even talking to him – the word that instantly popped in my head was the word “gigolo.” Of course I had to dismiss this as I had no proof.
I also thought, “How mean of me to judge someone I don’t even know!” Fourteen years later, my gut feelings proved me right.
I also had goose bumps when, a mere week after we met, he presented to me a 20+ page story of a psychologically-troubled man who had a wife named “Jen” – which he later carelessly and obviously altered to “Jem” when he saw my discomfort. He blamed me later on for not appreciating his effort to place my name on the story.
I made sure my doubts were dismissed and rationalized away. Looking back now, the “doubts” and “misgivings” I felt were actually REAL yet I focused on things that will distract me from these. I didn’t want these doubts to be real. I wanted them to go away.
Little did I know, my body was already aware of the truth and it was doing its best to help me pay attention. It wanted me to be aware of feelings, danger signals I didn’t want to look at or acknowledge. Now I know I should have. Now that you know, make sure you do.
“I am where I am now because I followed my gut.”
Oprah
4 Don’t under estimate the power of the body.
The body is a different entity in itself. I now know better to treat it the way I would treat a friend, family or person I respect, love and care for.
Essentially, my body is the first and foremost partner I need to know about and be in love with – not someone else.
I also now know that the least we could do is value and appreciate every cell in our body. These cells understand what our mind can’t grasp. Nothing escapes their attention.
“..whereas the mind can deceive, be deceived, get confused, or misinterpret, the body cannot lie. Its response to past trauma or present danger is infallible. The body is the messenger of our intuition. Its job is to wake us up – to alert us to a present or pending threat or correctly interpret past trauma.”
If you can listen to your iPod, radio or iTunes, you can easily listen to your body. If you have the time and energy to wear headphones and listen to music, there is no reason for you to not listen to the messages your body is giving off.
All you need to do is be aware of the fact that your body is always looking out for your best interest.
For ways on how to listen and heed what your body is telling you – I will be giving away a free ebook: ‘Tools I Used to Leave, Heal and Recover from a Pseudo-Love Relationship” very soon.
Though I know that me saying this to you seems meaningless considering the pain and trauma you are feeling now,
you also know deep in your heart of hearts that being in the relationship you were in is akin to you crossing a bridge despite CLEAR WARNING SIGNS that doing so would cause death.
And now you feel intense regret, anger for doing so.
The feeling of despair, sadness, remorse, shame is so powerful you cannot shake it off your mind, your body, your heart.
It is as if you’re trapped in a fog and everywhere you look, everywhere you go you can only see and feel pain.
You feel like a walking wound – not wounded. You feel like a wound.
You do not feel like a person.
You feel like you’ve been dumped on, used, abused, violated, lied to, manipulated, betrayed.
You feel you are a victim.
You do not know what to do.
All you want to do right now is cry.
Then,
go cry,
go sob,
go gasp.
Cry and wail from your gut.
Let your tears flow, let your snot go.
Beat your pillows. Go anywhere you can do all these freely and away from the eyes and ears of people who might worry that you’re losing your mind.
You have lost your mind saying yes to that relationship, now you’re just getting it back.
You’re getting yourself back. You’re also getting your spirit back. But you need to clear the grief and anger from your body first.
Feel free to be sad, be mad. Be all of the above.
If all you want to do right now is shout,
go shout.
Go scream.
Let it all out.
Scream from the top of your lungs.
Then maybe, if you listen to yourself hard enough, you’ll hear yourself say, “I had a hand in it.”
If you look at yourself hard enough, you’ll see how you walked yourself to the place where you are now.
And your regret dissolves.
You become kind to yourself.
You see the gift in the pain.
You see, feel, realize that you have received a priceless treasure.
You have been given YOU.
You’ve been shown the ways,
you have lived the ways of how to NOT love you.
You have been given the gift of your Self.
You now know what to do to LOVE YOU more – the AUTHENTIC YOU – not the You created in your mind, not the You others have created in their minds, not the You which you think You should be.
The YOU just as YOU are.
You now recognize the You who didn’t know any better, the You who was working at the level you knew – the level you were used to or grew up into; the level you think you should be in; the level others before you were also in and so you thought you should also be into because you believed that is what you’re supposed to do.
Your pain is now telling you to LOVE yourself more.
Go look at yourself in the mirror.
Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself.
Look at your eyes and
tell yourself, “I love you,”
and
“I’m sorry.”
Mean it. You know you do.
How does it feel to now realize that the boyfriend/partner/lover who said “I love you” really didnt?
How does it feel to now know that he couldn’t love you?
How could you choose someone to love you when you didn’t even love your self?
Now that you know that you didn’t love yourself, how could you love others too?
Do you now know that you were in pseudo-love with him as much as he was with you?
And no, love is not giving until it hurts.
Giving is giving. It is not loving.
Helping is helping. It is not loving.
Love is simply loving.
There is no requirement to love. It just is. It does not expect.
Love is not a business transaction. Love is not giving X because you were provided Y.
Love is not doing Z because you were made to feel X.
Love is not giving yourself crumbs and offering the entire cake to others.
“Leave a little love for yourself.” is not a loving thing to say or do to yourself.
If you leave crumbs for yourself, you can only give crumbs to others.
Love yourself enough to enjoy the cake. You can only share to others what you yourself have.
You also now know that a decent / mature person – no matter how much codependent / generous / willing you are to give too much of yourself / to allow yourself to get hurt / how poor your self-boundaries are – does not take advantage of your vulnerability/ does not get abusive / disrespectful / cruel.
You also now know that however painful, gut-wrenching, wounding everything is,
In the book Co-Dependence Healing the Human Condition by Charles L Whitfield, M.D. the following are a few definitions of Co-Dependence:
A multidimensional (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) condition manifested by any suffering and dysfunction that is associated with or due to focusing on the needs and behavior of others. It may be mild to severe and most people have it. It can mimic, be associated with and aggravate many physical, psychological and spiritual conditions. It develops from turning the responsibility for our life and happiness over to our ego (false self) and to others. It is treatable and recovery is possible.
An exaggerated dependent pattern of learned behaviors, beliefs and feelings that make life painful. It is a dependence on people and things outside the self, along with neglect of the self to the point of having little self-identity.
A stress-induced preoccupation with another’s life, leading to mal-adaptive behavior.
Those self-defeating learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate, or participate in, loving relationships.
A person who has let someone else’s behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling other people’s behavior.
Individuals who organize their lives – decision-making, perceptions, beliefs, values – around someone or something else.
A disease wherein a person has difficulty: experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem; setting functional boundaries; owning and expressing their own reality; taking care of their adult needs and wants; experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.
A pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and a sense of identity. Recovery is possible.
A stressful learned behavior associated with an unhealthy focus on the needs of others and/or attempting to take responsibility for or control the thoughts, feelings or behavior of others..motivated by a need for safety, acceptance amd self-worth.
A learned behavior, expressed by dependencies on people and things outside the self; these dependencies include neglecting and diminishing of one’s own identity. The false self that emerges is often expressed through compulsive habits, addictions and other disorders that further increase alienation from the person’s true identity, fostering a sense of shame.
A maladaptive bonding within a family system. To survive psychologically and socially in this dysfunctional family, the child adopts patterns of thinking, acting and feeling that at first dull the pain but finally are self-negating in themselves. These patterns become internalized and form an essential part of the personality and world view of the individual. The child continues to practice these self-destructive patterns of thinking, behaving and feeling in adulthood and in so doing recreates over and over again the bonding in which the destructive patterns originated.
A particular form of unconscious loving..an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns..an unconscious conspiracy between two or more people to feel bad and limit each other’s potential, (wherein) the freedom of each is limited. Inequality is a hallmark.
An often-fatal disease of emotional confusion, marked by severe alienation from one’s own feelings. Living for and through others, due to the inadequate development of self-love as a true basis for loving others. Variously defined as: the addiction to living for others at the expense of one’s own development; the substitution of adaptation for honest self-expression; the vicious cycle of using and blaming that arises when we make others responsible for what we feel and do; the mechanism of control / controlling that locks people into futile dependencies and impossible demands; abuse and discontinuing disguised in the attitudes and gestures of love, loyalty, devotion, caretaking, people pleasing. Any combination of the above.
A spiritual condition, the shadow side of our love nature..a “dis-ease” of unequal relationships being acted out, of giving our power away.
Was I codependent?
I did depend on my ex for my emotional gratification and felt that he could complete me. I also felt I was nothing without his presence in my life.
I did stay in the relationship despite the overt and covert abuse I experienced all the while hoping he’d change, `fess up or be accountable – but he never did.
I did crave to be in a relationship with my ex regardless of the abuse he inflicted. At that time, I was afraid that if I left my ex, I’d be in a similar abusive relationship with someone else so I thought the devil I knew was better than the devil I didn’t.
I was also ambivalent in leaving the relationship yet was also unsure if I wanted to stay. I was afraid to be alone but I was also afraid to be out in the world on my own.
I depended on my ex to make me happy, to make me feel good.
I focused on how to help heal him but not how to help heal my Self.
I wanted to make him stop hurting me but I did nothing to stop myself from wanting to be with him.
I admit, yes I was codependent.
I acknowledge that I wanted to love and be loved. I realize that all human beings want to love and be loved but this should not trump self-safety and security. Abandoning my self for the sake of saving the relationship and for the sake of keeping my attachment towards my ex was not authentically loving myself and was therefore an unhealthy way to `love.’
Essentially, it was not love at all but pseudo-love.
It was not love that kept me from leaving – it was my addiction towards the relationship; it was my need to make him accountable; it was my desire for him to change; it was my desire for him to love me the way I wanted him to love me.
It was my beliefs and expectations that things can be better if I tried hard enough; it was my fears of being alone and facing the unknown that kept me in the relationship, not love.
I also had an unhealthy sense of self. I was too hard on myself. I didn’t acknowledge my own needs, safety and self-worth that I was lead on easily to any machinations and manipulations I received from my narcissist-ex who knew how to use my weaknesses to his advantage.
I only had the strength to let go when I felt I’ve finally had enough. I had to ultimately decide not to allow him to hurt me anymore. No more.
When I did let go, I realized that I needed to love myself authentically before anyone else could.
Admitting I was codependent was remarkably empowering. Though acknowledging it for the very first time was tremendously gut-wrenching.
Yet, knowing that my thoughts, actions, beliefs and perception towards my self conveniently fell under the traits of codependence helped me to be aware of how much I devalued my self, how I undervalued my worth, how I constantly looked outside to fill my feelings of lack, how I didn’t appreciate my self (no matter how much good qualities I have).
Admitting I was codependent made me mindful of how much I needed to take care of my Self for my own sake. It was only then that I realized how much I took myself for granted and how much I dismissed my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own value.
Knowledge about codependence also made me understand the fact that, if I allowed my ex to do all those things to me, imagine all the good things I can do FOR me.
Being aware and knowing that I had a hand in my situation, and that I am accountable for my actions and feelings gave me the freedom to be kind and compassionate towards my Self.
Honestly, it is scary not having anyone or anything to blame or put my dysfunctions on yet it is also liberating. It made me step up to the plate knowing and feeling that what I have I must take care of, who I am I must value, what I do I must be responsible for.
Knowing I was codependent was not a death sentence. It helped me look at myself honestly. It also forced me to treat myself better and to Love myself the way I should have long before.
Do you think you’re codependent too?
Being codependent is not something you need to feel ashamed of. It is something you simply have to be aware of.
Once you are aware of your less-than feelings about your self or any codependent traits you possess, you give yourself permission to bring these to the light of your understanding.
Doing this gives you the power to choose whether you should continue being codependent or not. Ultimately, you then realize how taking care of YOU will always be for your best interest and that you can never go wrong once you begin loving your self authentically.
“You will never be truly free if you must depend on another for verification of who you are.” Frank Kinslow
Coming Soon:Know more of what codependents say and do, better yet find out if the codependent is you Ebook.
These were few of the suggestions I heard from well-meaning people, friends and family when they learned that the relationship I had with my narc-ex ended.
These are also the usual advice anyone could read from self-help books and relationship sites.
Though doing all these are indeed helpful, the most important detail left out is the “How?”
“How can I not be sad when I am?!”
“How can I stop crying when I can’t help it?”
“How can I forget him when memories of him would just pop in my head along with the hurts and abuses he inflicted?!”
“How can I love myself when it’s easier to hate myself for falling in ‘love’ with someone who just pretended to love me?”
“How can I not blame him when he made me feel like hell?!”
“How can I let go?”
No Contact was a very big step to reclaim my sanity and save myself but it was only half the battle.
I truly had to move on and free myself from the painful memories. I also had to shake off my fears and anxieties. I had to stop feeling weak and vulnerable. I had to make myself NOT fall for abusive men.
But how?!
I didn’t know what to do.
I wished I could get past all my pain and not be affected by details which reminded me of the traumatic relationship I was in.
I wished the intrusive memories and ruminating thoughts of the abusive events would stop.
I wished my physical reactions (such as tense muscles, difficulty breathing, heart-pounding) would stop when I am reminded of the hurts I experienced.
I wished I could bring back my zest in life.
I wished I had passion, energy and enthusiasm for activities I used to love to do.
I wished I no longer felt despair and hopelessness about my life and my future.
I wished I could sleep well at night.
I wished my outbursts of anger would stop.
I wished I wasn’t afraid of speaking with men again.
I wished I was no longer easily startled, scared, anxious and jumpy.
I wished I’d stop feeling guilty.
I wished I’d stop blaming myself.
I wished I could trust other people again.
I had to ask: Is it possible to totally heal?
My question lead me to discover people and tools that helped my healing and recovery possible.
The following are few of the tools I used to help me heal and recover:
1 Melanie Tonia Evans’ Quanta Freedom Healing
Quanta Freedom Healing was the emotional first aid kit my heart and body needed at the time it was suffering from severe emotional and energetic beating.
Experiencing these sessions helped me reconnect with my body. It helped me fully FEEL my emotions as well as parts of myself I was still denying. I was also able to face my pains and bring them to my attention.
Her specific Quanta Freedom Healing sessions for narcissistic abuse – the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – further targeted specific issues I was still holding onto and which were major concerns for me.
These feelings included my guilt, shame, self-blame, self-anger, my need for closure / revenge, fear of what the narc can do and all the what-if’s that were still swirling in my head and heart.
I recommend QFH and N.A.R.P to help you process all INTENSE emotions of sadness, anger, grief, regret, resentment and even hate. It brings all these to your awareness, helping you face them, feel them and be in its space enough for you to completely release these all from your system.
After I went through the Quanta Freedom healing sessions, any memories which came up about my narc-ex no longer had an emotional charge (there were no anger, sadness, pain).
Instead, my painful experience was something I can point at and identify. I could separate myself from it and hold it to the light without being emotionally or physically affected by it.
Also, my body literally felt light. When I spoke, my chest felt light. My head felt light. My neck felt light. Even my TMJ disorder disappeared.
I also stopped bingeing on food. I could sleep well at night and in regular hours too. My heartburn symptoms also decreased.
Quanta Freedom Healing helped clear away all my muck. It helped me be aware of my body, respect my body, be in my body and focus on the NOW and this MOMENT.
Through Quanta Freedom Healing I also discovered the importance of working on myself continuously and consistently.
Quanta Freedom Healing made the process of accepting my self (dysfunctions and all), LOVING and RESPECTING myself easier and NATURAL.
I also became aware of any less-than thoughts I have towards myself.
Below is a free QFH healing session on Melanie Tonia Evans’ show on Blog Talk Radio. You need not believe what I say because you can easily experience it yourself.
Developed by Dr. Frank Kinslow, the best way to explain Quantum Entrainment is in terms of rest.
“Rest is the universal healer. The deeper the rest the deeper the healing. When one does Quantum Entrainment they experience the deepest rest possible, deeper even than deep sleep. This very deep rest results in a very deep healing in seconds to minutes. It does not require any special talent or training because this kind of healing is natural for anyone once they realize it.”
QE is another tool that helped my body heal. It allowed my body to deeply relax. It also helped me to become resistant to stress – be it mental, emotional or psychological.
Upon continually doing Quantum Entrainment as well as other techniques under the Kinslow System, which could be downloaded for free as an MP3 at http://www.kinslowsystem.com/learn.html, I began to notice and feel changes in me.
I experienced a balance and stillness. I also felt less affected by events. I am aware of them happening without being too emotionally attached to them.
I also felt less fearful, anxious. I also felt that my boundaries got stronger. Negative remarks I hear from people rolled off from me as if they were dust. Negative actions, remarks or thoughts from people didn’t have a tremendous impact on me nor was I affected by it.
I felt no need to participate in any argument. Yet I saw myself spontaneously able to stand up for myself naturally and with no effort.
Thanks to Quantum Entrainment, I was able to be `in the moment’ and completely understand what that meant as I was able to experience being in it.
I also felt light and more open to things. I was not thinking or worrying. My steps were slower, relaxed, unhurried yet focused and firm. I also found myself feeling refreshed and energized.
3 Cry your heart and guts out
Crying from my gut with deep, deep guttural gasps and sobs – along with tears and snots – helped my body release all the emotions, hurt and pain it was carrying. It’s not a pretty sight but after releasing these emotions, the left part of my body felt light.
Beating the pillows, shouting, screaming or whatever way you can express your emotions in a healthy and safe manner is helpful.
“When a woman is having panic attacks or crying spells, I know that some emotional material is coming to the surface to be processed. To observers who haven’t experienced deep process (or emotional release), she may appear to be “losing it,” “going off the deep end,” or “getting out of control.” She is not “out of control,” however; she is simply allowing a healing process to arise within the body.”
Dr. Christiane Northrup (Ob-Gyn and author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom)
4 Write a letter
I wrote a letter to my narc-ex. For me, the letter was one of the things I had to do during the final phase of my healing and recovery.
Feel free to write a similar letter immediately after you have broken up or if you are struggling to move on. Write one now if you feel like you need to.
It is a letter that is not supposed to be sent. Its purpose is to allow you to say anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to.
It is you giving yourself closure as narcissists are incapable of ever giving anyone closure.
Though the letter I wrote was addressed to my ex, it was a letter I had to write for my heart’s sake. It was not meant for his eyes. It was meant for my soul’s voice.
It was I pouring out what I needed to say.
Tosha Silver, author of the book Outrageous Openness, advised:
“..Write with complete abandon, without restraint or editing. Swear, scream, defame, whatever. Don’t stop until you’re really done.”
After I wrote the letter, I burned it. I burned the letter and saw the smoke as a symbol of me surrendering my experience to the universe. It also symbolized the completion of my contract with my narc-ex and the end of the unhealthy dynamic of our relationship.
It also represented the fact that I will no longer be allowing my self to participate or go through any unhealthy dynamic with anyone; and that I respect and Love my Self enough to not undermine my worth.
I felt this need even before I saw this quote from medial intuitive and writer Caroline Myss. However, it is important that the witness to the wound be non-judgmental and open. It also helps if both the witness and the wounded individual could authentically be in an empathetic space enough for the latter to share her thoughts and feelings with no fear.
Journaling and detailing aspects of the relationship helped me process the events, my experience as well as my emotions. Doing so similarly organized my thoughts.
My journal was my first witness.
It was also a tremendous help that the second major witness to my wounds were people who KNOW exactly what I was going through and who have gone through something similar and have learned from it; and is sharing their experiences and life lessons.
Below are helpful forums you can share your experience with as well as learn from.
The important thing is to be in a space that provides no judgments, only golden nuggets of realizations about your Self and what you can do to further save yourself from despair and sadness with the help of others who have gone through a similar situation.
These are a few of the steps I did to heal and recover from a pseudo-love relationship. It is my intent that these steps will also help you authentically heal, move on, let go as well as be empowered to live and authentically love.
Though No Contact is the time to honor your space by leaving out the narcissist in your life, it is also the moment where they ramp up their efforts to hook you back in.
What narcs do to make you break No Contact:
Narcissists know enough information about you to use these against you.
Narcissists can use flattery.
Narcissists could appeal to your guilt
Narcissists could appeal to your need for romance
They could appeal to your hope for a better life with him or that he will finally change.
They could even take advantage of your inability to let go.
They could also make you believe that your dreams can now finally come true.
They could even “apologize” and express pseudo-“regret” or pseudo-“remorse.”
They could play the pity card and claim they feel sick or they could use a personal tragedy to get you to offer comfort or sympathy
They could use other people (proxies/third parties) to get a message through you
What you must remember and be always aware of:
1. All of the above are simply tactics, maneuvers and strategies to get you to make contact.
2. If your narcissist knows you are easily swayed by positive efforts, he will use these and push all your feel-good buttons.
3. A narcissist’s objective is to make you react. That is all.
4. All a narcissist needs is your attention – it is one of the initial supplies narcissists mine once they sense you are detaching from him.
5. Narcissists want to keep in contact with you not because they love you, it’s because they want control over you.
They want to use you. They don’t see you as a human being. You are their fix.
It is not about you being with them and finally cared for /attended to or “loved,” you are only there to do their bidding.
6. If they sense you are detaching and that you are taking steps to be on your own – independent from him – he will do all he could to keep you entangled and still dependent.
7. Narcissists could use intimidation and threats. These include threats to destroy your life, credibility or future via statements such as: “No man could ever find you worthy,” “No man would love you as much as I love you,” etc.
8. Narcissists could also feign sincerity, express simulated remorse or pseudo-admit accountability. They only do so when, according to Mel Tonia Evans, `they have hit rock bottom.’
Even if they have nothing to lose, their “apology” is never really an admission of accountability, guilt or remorse. It is only a ploy, a bluff to make you believe they are sorry or remorseful – but they never are.
This becomes obvious since their focus is on why they deserve to be forgiven.
Their focus is on themselves saying “sorry” and convincing you why they must receive your forgiveness, NOT on what they specifically did which they should be sorry for.
Their priority is themselves and not on you whom they have hurt. Plus, you are expected to accept their apology since, in their minds, they have now done the “right” thing.
“For some people, their sorry might be tailored to be personal– it depends on the narcissist and their victim.
Some apologies may offer specifics– even many specifics– but it will still generally lack any depth– you will feel YOUR emotions, you will not feel THEIR emotions.
It will come across as superficial when you factor out your own emotional involvement.
Its tone will also generally be “me-centric”, rather than being about the person being apologized to or from their perspective, because narcissists have difficulty taking on the perspective of someone who is not them.
It will usually not involve an acceptance of real wrongs committed, and any personal responsibility will be self-centered and usually pretty superficial.
They’ll use words that appeal to your emotions to mask the superficial tone.
They make up for what’s missing with excessive or overly flowery language.
It’ll read more like a greeting card apology than something a real person would say when they mean it.
Apologies should demonstrate humility, shame (and guilt) if it’s genuine, it shouldn’t demonstrate desperation or poetry.”
“The vital points truly are it is only a pathological self that can operate in conscienceless ways with no ability to be remorseful and accountable.
Normal people can slip but if they do they take responsibility and have empathy for the damage their behaviour has caused, and they rebuild relationships rather than continuously destroying them.
Not later, as in days, weeks, months or years, and healthy people do not need to have it pointed out or ‘shown’ – they have enough inner resources to ‘know’ they have done the wrong thing, rather than twist it around to be denied, or projected as someone else’s fault.
The narcissistic level of accountability for their behaviour (if they ever finally do it) is also tainted with pathological behaviour. The ‘sorries’ are always followed by a ‘but’ which is generally pointing out your flaws, or an excuse, justification or some form of disowning the accountability.
The truth is narcs because of their disordered minds generally don’t think they have done anything wrong, because they cant access peripheral, they just don’t have the resources to not make it all about themself…”
9 The objective of the narcissist is to confuse or – as I would describe it – lay an egg or time bomb in your head hoping that once it hatches or explodes, you will come running back to him for help / support / a hug / a shoulder to cry on / or demand justice from him / accountability / fairness.
10 He will use anything and everything in his arsenal to hook you back in.
What you must do:
1 No matter what happens, DO NOT make contact
Months after I began No Contact, my ex managed to communicate to a common friend that `It was me he really loved and all I had to do was say yes to (marrying him) and things will change’ – this was despite the fact that my narc-ex was going to be married in a few months.
I did not make contact.
After some months, it was my mother who told me that my ex sent her a message on Yahoo chat where he explained he was marrying someone else because I refused to marry him.
I did not make contact.
After a few more months, he sent me a birthday greeting through email wishing me `God bless’ and that ‘all my dreams come true’ (with a subtly added jibe), “though they may sometimes seem lofty.”
I still did not make contact.
After years of not hearing from him as I have blocked him from my email accounts, my mother received an email from him on Christmas day detailing a personal tragedy in his life that prompted a general `apology’ for “everything he did or didn’t do.”
I still did not make contact.
Then a few days later on New Year’s Eve, I received a text message from my Insurance agent – whom my ex also knew. It was a forwarded message from my narc-ex asking my insurance agent to “Say hi” to me in his behalf.
I STILL DID NOT MAKE CONTACT.
DO NOT answer his calls.
DO NOT respond to his text messages.
DO NOT respond to his emails.
BLOCK his email, his phone number, etc.
BLOCK him from your life.
2 Remember: He doesn’t love you. He only wants to extract supply from you.
If you think his apology is sincere; if you think his claims that he will change is real and that you actually see positive changes in him, know that this is short-lived. This “change” only lasts until he knows you’re hooked. Once you are hooked, expect him to return back to his rage-filled, abusive, manipulative, controlling self.
I have made numerous failed attempts to establish NO CONTACT during the years of my relationship with my narc-ex. Always, I’d be taken in by his constant calls, his pleadings, his efforts to make me feel better, his apologies. Always, I’d forgive him. I’d always believed he’d change. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
When I broke up with him because of his being physically abusive, he promised he would never physically hurt me again. And he never did.
However, it was later on when I realized that his being abusive morphed into something I wasn’t able to detect as there were no longer physical bruises.
What I did feel was constant low-level anxiety, a feeling of constant worry and guilt.
I suffered from obsessive ruminating thoughts, I had difficulty sleeping, my body was in pain, I was overweight, I felt constantly weak, fatigued and run-down, I was always short of breath.
It turns out, he has been lying; he has been emotionally, mentally, psychologically manipulating/abusing me and telling lies about me to others the same way he has been telling lies to me about others.
I decided to no longer be his supply, regardless of how saccharine sweet and seemingly sincere his efforts are to “make it work.”
3 Know that he is not your knight in shining armor
No Contact is specially difficult during times when you feel emotionally vulnerable that you can’t help but think of him and the good things he did for you.
Be aware that this is you missing his FICTIONAL side. This is you craving for a relationship or love from a make-believe character.
The least he could do is give you pseudolove as well as pseudorescue you from the same predicament he put you in, but he only does this so he can put you back in the same merry-go-round of pain.
Do not allow yourself to be sucked in.
He is not your knight in shining armor.
He is not your rescuer.
He is the reason why you feel like hell.
He cannot solve the problems he himself caused. He could only add on more problems so you can temporarily forget the previous ones he made.
Once you make contact, your hurt and pain would multiply ten-fold. In my experience, my narc-ex was never accountable for the hurts he did or the lies he dished out when we were together so it was logically impossible for him to ever be accountable. It was therefore healthier for me to do No Contact.
4 Write it down / Talk it out / Go to forums
It is easy to doubt yourself during No Contact. There may be times you’d wonder if everything was all in your head.
You might also consider saving the relationship or meet up with your narcissist or just say `hi’ for `old time’s sake.’
If you find yourself entertaining these thoughts, write them down.
Journal them. Write down all your experiences with your narcissist.
Once you do, you will usually see patterns emerge which you weren’t aware of. You could even see how he has been pushing your buttons. You could even realize your own patterns and how you allowed yourself to enmesh in his web of poison.
Writing these down helps you organize any jumbled thoughts you have or at least purge them out from your system.
Start a Gratitude Notebook. List down the little or big things you are thankful for each day. Doing this helps center your attention to details you find positively meaningful. It also keeps your energy up and makes you look at the brighter side of life.
Start a Gratitude Notebook the first day, the first instance you do No Contact. It keeps you focused on maintaining No Contact and in healing your self.
It is also best to talk out your experiences with someone who understands and is non-judgmental of what you have gone through.
Go to forums and share your experience. Doing so helps you purge out your feelings while also learning from other people’s experience.
If there is no one you feel you could talk to, go to NPD forums. There you will see similar experiences of others. You can also learn from them as well as share your own story. A few of the forums you can go to are listed below.
The important thing is for you to have space that allows you to freely express yourself amongst people who understand and authentically empathize with you.
5 Focus on your healing
Continuing to do No Contact is effortlessly possible if this is complemented with tools to support your healing and recovery.
Cleaning and clearing your self from the emotional muck of being used / abused / lied to / manipulated, is important.
This is the value of No Contact. It gives you breathing room to evolve.
It also removes any poison in your system. No Contact is the perfect time to empty yourself out and take in the new you.
Focusing on your healing and recovery is one of the critical benefits of No Contact. Do not take this for granted.
Act on these critical musts so you can avoid a narcissist’s poisonous influence.
No Contact is one small step to keep your Self safe, it is also a giant leap towards loving your Self and experiencing authentic freedom and empowerment.
No Contact is an important first step to get your power back. It also puts your attention back on you and not on the narcissist.
It puts your attention back on your needs and what you can do to heal, recover and better yourself – for your own sake.
Admittedly, doing NO CONTACT is extremely difficult.
In my experience, I found the process distressing specially during the early days, weeks and months I detached from my ex. During that time, my need for him to be accountable was strong.
I also felt an emotional pull towards him which I interpreted many times as “love” when all it ever was was my addiction towards the relationship.
Though I already stopped seeing him and no longer answered his calls, texts or emails, the compulsion to get in touch with him was still strong.
Knowledge about NPD and Narcissistic Supply gave me strength to continually do No Contact. This knowledge made me aware that once I start to communicate with him, I am giving him the permission to hurt me again / suck me back into his web of deceit and manipulate me to go back to him.
Once I made contact, I knew I’d be empowering him and disempowering myself.
The logic behind No Contact
No Contact cuts ties and any form of communication you have with a narcissist. Doing so helps clear the space enough so you can breathe and think on your own.
No Contact is YOU telling your Self:
You can heal, you can live, you can move on, you can start loving your Self right now. No one’s stopping you. You only have to allow yourself to love you.
What No Contact means
No Contact is also the best message you can give the narcissist without ever sending him one. No Contact is the best (non-)revenge
The main benefits of No Contact are two-fold: it empowers you to save yourself and it disempowers any hold a narcissist has on you.
The following are the steps I did to firmly establish NO CONTACT:
I stopped answering his texts despite his constant messages that I respond to him `just so he knows I’m alright.’
I stopped answering his calls despite him leaving messages to my young nieces and nephews saying, “Take good care of your aunt.”
I blocked him in Yahoo chat, Gmail and all other social networking sites I was in.
I blocked and deleted all comments he would leave on my blog.
I literally made myself unavailable to him.
Truthfully, there are difficulties when doing No Contact. The following are a few that I experienced:
1 I felt tremendous angst and anxiety. It was at this time that every emotion and resentment came up. I was angry at my ex for stringing me along, for abusing me, for lying to me. I was also angry towards my self for allowing him to do all these to me.
2 I had a tremendous need for justice, need for closure, need for fairness, need for him to be accountable.
3 I also, ironically, missed my narcissist ex.
But these difficulties are minor compared to the further benefits I experienced with doing No Contact:
1 No New Pain
No Contact saved me from experiencing further pain, further hurt, further betrayal.
Though keeping in touch with my ex would briefly solve my feelings of loneliness and sadness as he could have made me believe that `Everything is going to be alright now;’ `Things are going to change now’ or he could have blamed me / denied that he has NPD / denied that he has ever lied, the simple truth is that once I contact him again, the pain I felt would multiply ten-fold. Plus, the harrowing effects of making contact with him would last longer than the temporary feeling of pseudo-enjoyment.
I didn’t want to be fooled again the way I have been fooled – and allowed myself to be fooled – for more than a decade wherein I tried No Contact many times yet I would always break it and go back to him.
Being firm with No Contact stopped me from experiencing any NEW pain.
Though truthfully, there was still pain. These were old pains I previously denied.
No Contact is life-saving but it is also the time where all the hurt, lies, abuse I experienced came up and poured out that I felt I was going to die – but remarkably, I didn’t! I had to feel all of these to be able to release them.
No Contact helped me be with the most important person in the world – my Self. It also made me realize that the most important person I must spend time with is my Self. I needed to console myself, heal myself, make myself feel and be better – as no other person in the world ever could.
2 Clear Head and a Clear Heart
The freedom brought by No Contact helped clear away my fuzzy logic and confusion. It also made the facts more straight-forward and obvious.
Seen in a more objective light, the absence of my narc-ex’s manipulations and put-on charm helped me further see that my seeming longing for him to change or for us to get back together were actually me “missing” the fictional part of him – his pseudo-nice and charming side.
Truthfully, during No Contact, I also missed hoping and wishing that he’d change or that the relationship could be fixed.
There were even times I thought the relationship could still be repaired if only I tried hard enough. It was devastating yet freeing to finally understand that I have been deluding myself all along.
The truth is that he will never change – a fact that was sincerely heartbreaking yet it was also a freeing. Knowing this helped me finally accept the fact that a pseudolove relationship cannot be fixed. I just wanted to believe it would.
3 Helping my Self
No Contact helped put my attention back to my Self. Not communicating with my narcissist-ex helped me focus on what I needed to do for my betterment.
No longer was I thinking of what I must do to make him happy or to make him love me. My attention now is on what I must do to make myself happy and how to love my Self.
4 Loving my Self
The first step to authentically love my Self was to honor my body, my heart, my mind, my space, my life. In order to do all these, I must be aware of any negative thoughts, actions or utterances I receive from others specially from my narcissist-ex and consciously decide to no longer accept and participate in these.
I similarly had to be aware of any negative thoughts, actions or utterances I direct at my Self and be conscious of instances where I am unkind to my Self.
The process of loving my Self started when I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself “I’m sorry” and “I love you.”
No Contact gave me the opportunity to see myself through my eyes – not from how my narc-ex sees me but from how I see me.
I began to value myself from what I value and not from what my narc-ex values. I was able to see, hear, touch, feel my Self from my perspective.
Finally, how I thought about myself came from MY thoughts. It didn’t come from what I think my narc-ex thinks, it is not according to what my narc-ex likes or doesn’t like. I was able to appreciate myself from MY standards, not from his or others’ standards.
No Contact gave me the golden opportunity to Love My Self fully for no reason other than I just do.
5 Healing my Self
No longer must I suffer from obsessive / compulsive / ruminating thoughts. No longer should I experience pain (physical and emotional). No longer should I feel anxious / insecure / afraid.
No Contact started me on the road to recovery and healing. I needed to clear the space to make this possible. I had to decide to make this possible, I had to prioritize my self – the way I should have long before.
I couldn’t have gone through healing if my narcissist ex was still present in my life as my attention would be on him and not on my Self. He would also do what is necessary to keep me hooked onto him.
No Contact is the first step I needed to reconnect with my body, my voice, my heart.
“When I was a volunteer mute and began to speak again, I realized I had left my voice, my voice had not left me.” Maya Angelou
6 No Contact means I am standing up for myself.
No Contact helped me realize that my narcissist-ex has been projecting his fears and insecurities onto me in order to make me similarly fearful and insecure. His objective was for me to believe in everything he says – and not believe in my Self.
7 He has no power over me
By NOT sending my narcissist-ex any message, I am sending him the most important message of all: He has no power over me.
No Contact firmly established my sense of self-worth. It is also the basic foundation with which to build a future free from sadness and heartbreak.
No Contact also sent the following messages to my narc-ex:
“Nothing you say or do could make me go back to you.”
“I could live without you.”
“I am independent of you.”
“I am my own person.”
“You are not important in my life.”
“For once, I am important in MY life!”
When narcissists realize they are being ignored and once they know they no longer have power over what you think / feel / do, they experience the greatest injury of all – narcissistic injury.
Nothing hurts a narcissist more than knowing he no longer exists in someone’s life.
When I learned all about Narcissistic Supply, I stopped all forms of communication with my narc-ex.
I also finally realized the reason for my narc-ex’s panicky reaction when he thinks he’s losing his connection with me was not because he loved me or was authentically worried about my welfare – it was because I was his fix.
He was pursuing me because he was afraid to lose his stockpile. To him, I was his stash.
I was not a person to him. He never saw me as a person with human concerns. He only saw me as a provider and giver of his wants. He only saw me as someone he could mine.
I was there to make him feel NOT like a bottomless empty pit and he kept coming back for what I can give him, not for who I am.
I was not a person to him. In his mind, I was a thing to be used, expended, abused and which he could extract any and all supply from.
A relationship dynamic with a narcissist involves the tried and tested patterns of idealization, devaluation and discard.
The below explanation by Sam Vaknin reveals why a narcissist’s “pursuit of a woman” should not be equated to “love:”
Are you reading this now because you feel something’s off with your relationship and you could relate to the above descriptions? Maybe the below checklist could help you know.
You are allowing yourself to be his Narcissistic Supply if:
You pay more attention to his needs than your own.
You feel you are your partner’s friend, best friend, lover, psychiatrist, mother, financial source, guide, guardian and everything else.
You feel the responsibility to constantly make your partner feel better.
You feel easily affected / swayed / persuaded by what your partner says / does.
You feel reluctant to criticize, even constructively, your partner for fear of his anger, rage or negative reaction towards you; or for fear that he will blame you as the cause of his negative feelings.
You always think of him – even if you’re not with him and specially when you’re with him – and how you can make him happy; how you can satisfy him; how you can make him not feel sad / not feel angry; how he can like you more; how he can dislike you less; how you can give him more of what he wants.
You go out of your way to give / provide him with anything he needs but he doesn’t do the same for you – and it is okay with you. It is also okay if you don’t do the same for yourself.
You adjust to his moods, tantrums and do your best to keep the peace sans your real feelings.
If you say “Yes” to one or more of these statements, you are allowing yourself to be his Narcissistic Supply.
Remember, being someone’s significant other does not equate to you being his narcissistic supply. You do not deserve to be anyone’s narcissistic supply. You are a person who deserves love, respect.
You are not someone’s milking cow.
You are not helping the person you’re giving supply to by being an narcissistic supplier yourself. You are merely enabling him to further devolve and you are taking yourself along with him.
Do yourself a favor and attend to your own needs first for your betterment. Doing so makes him aware of your self-worth and how he should treat you – with dignity and empathy. It also makes you aware of your self-worth. You also give your Self the Love and Respect you deserve.
You are not helping him by staying in the relationship. You are merely enabling him to continue being his worst self; you are not helping him evolve; you are allowing him to continue on the path to entropy.
Being with him / staying with him won’t save him. Only he can save himself.
The least he could do is admit and acknowledge his abuse, his narcissism. You have no responsibility for his healing. He first needs to admit he needs healing and allow him to take the necessary steps to do this.
If he doesn’t want to, you therefore have the responsibility to set Your Self free, to care for your Self and go through your own process of healing.
Remember, he can only treat you in a way you allow him to – this statement puts the power on YOU and not on him or anyone else.
He only has power over you if you let him.
“Special love note to anyone beating yourself up for being ‘snared’ by an illusion under these transits. Please, please forgive yourself!
Some people are absolute MASTERS at creating and drawing others in their webs, whether intentionally or not. Some are simply acting from their unconconscious insecurities or need for attention…or devotion. And they served a profound purpose to show you what you REALLY deserve. Saturn is always a blessing.
So here’s what matters. Forgive yourself, love yourself, absorb the lesson of your own shimmering beauty and value, kiss your bruises, and …say goodbye.”
