Dear (Place your Name here),
I pray you’re feeling better now.
Though I know that me saying this to you seems meaningless considering the pain and trauma you are feeling now,
you also know deep in your heart of hearts that being in the relationship you were in is akin to you crossing a bridge despite CLEAR WARNING SIGNS that doing so would cause death.
And now you feel intense regret, anger for doing so.
The feeling of despair, sadness, remorse, shame is so powerful you cannot shake it off your mind, your body, your heart.
It is as if you’re trapped in a fog and everywhere you look, everywhere you go you can only see and feel pain.
You feel like a walking wound – not wounded. You feel like a wound.
You do not feel like a person.
You feel like you’ve been dumped on, used, abused, violated, lied to, manipulated, betrayed.
You feel you are a victim.
You do not know what to do.
All you want to do right now is cry.
Cry and wail from your gut.
Let your tears flow, let your snot go.
Beat your pillows. Go anywhere you can do all these freely and away from the eyes and ears of people who might worry that you’re losing your mind.
You have lost your mind saying yes to that relationship, now you’re just getting it back.
You’re getting yourself back. You’re also getting your spirit back. But you need to clear the grief and anger from your body first.
Feel free to be sad, be mad. Be all of the above.
If all you want to do right now is shout,
Let it all out.
Scream from the top of your lungs.
Then maybe, if you listen to yourself hard enough, you’ll hear yourself say, “I had a hand in it.”
If you look at yourself hard enough, you’ll see how you walked yourself to the place where you are now.
And your regret dissolves.
You become kind to yourself.
You see the gift in the pain.
You see, feel, realize that you have received a priceless treasure.
You have been given YOU.
You’ve been shown the ways,
you have lived the ways of how to NOT love you.
You have been given the gift of your Self.
You now know what to do to LOVE YOU more – the AUTHENTIC YOU – not the You created in your mind, not the You others have created in their minds, not the You which you think You should be.
The YOU just as YOU are.
You now recognize the You who didn’t know any better, the You who was working at the level you knew – the level you were used to or grew up into; the level you think you should be in; the level others before you were also in and so you thought you should also be into because you believed that is what you’re supposed to do.
Your pain is now telling you to LOVE yourself more.
Go look at yourself in the mirror.
Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself.
Look at your eyes and
tell yourself, “I love you,”
Mean it. You know you do.
How does it feel to now realize that the boyfriend/partner/lover who said “I love you” really didnt?
How does it feel to now know that he couldn’t love you?
How could you choose someone to love you when you didn’t even love your self?
Now that you know that you didn’t love yourself, how could you love others too?
Do you now know that you were in pseudo-love with him as much as he was with you?
And no, love is not giving until it hurts.
Giving is giving. It is not loving.
Helping is helping. It is not loving.
Love is simply loving.
There is no requirement to love. It just is. It does not expect.
Love is not a business transaction. Love is not giving X because you were provided Y.
Love is not doing Z because you were made to feel X.
Love is not giving yourself crumbs and offering the entire cake to others.
“Leave a little love for yourself.” is not a loving thing to say or do to yourself.
If you leave crumbs for yourself, you can only give crumbs to others.
Love yourself enough to enjoy the cake. You can only share to others what you yourself have.
You also now know that a decent / mature person – no matter how much codependent / generous / willing you are to give too much of yourself / to allow yourself to get hurt / how poor your self-boundaries are – does not take advantage of your vulnerability/ does not get abusive / disrespectful / cruel.
You also now know that however painful, gut-wrenching, wounding everything is,
your soul is safe.
You have crossed the bridge
and You are alive.
Celebrate that too.
Do you know how beautiful You are?
I think not, my dear.
For as you talk of God,
I see great parades with wildly colorful bands
Streaming from your mind and heart,
Carrying wonderful and secret messages
To every corner of this world.
I see saints bowing in the mountains
Hundreds of miles away
To the wonder of sounds
That break into light
From your most common words.
Hafiz – via Tosha silver